Ausonius, Epigrams 120

“When Castor wanted to slobber on the medial member of many a man, but couldn’t have a mob at his house, that cocksucker figured out a way that he could avoid wasting any genitalia: he just gave his wife a lick instead.”

Lambere cum vellet mediorum membra virorum

Castor, nec posset vulgus habere domi,

Reperit, ut nullum fellator perderet inguen:

Uxoris coepit lingere membra suae.

Epigrams, 126:

“Lilly, Irene, Cassie and Karl; if you write out these names, and take the first letter of each, you can form the word which describes what you do, master Eunus! But I can’t mention something so scandalous in Latin.”

Λαὶς, Ἔρως et Ἴτυς Χείρων, et Ἔρως  Ἴτυς alter,

Nomina si scribis, prima elementa adime,

Ut facias verbum, quod facis, Eune magister.

Dicere me Latium non decet opprobrium.

Epigrams, 127:

“Eunus, when you’re licking your pregnant wife’s rotten vagina, you’re hurrying to give your unborn children some tongue.”

Eune, quod uxoris gravidae putria inguina lambis,

festinas glossas non natis tradere natis.

Historia Augusta, Macrinus (12)

“Macrinus was arrogant, bloodthirsty, and eager to rule like a general, complaining about the discipline of earlier times and praising Severus alone above all other emperors. For he often crucified his soldiers and afflicted them with the punishments reserved for slaves. When he experienced mutinies of the soldiers, he often subjected them to decimation*, and sometimes to centimation. This latter word was his own invention, which he used to demonstrate his clemency, since he was only centimating the soldiers who were really worth of decimation or vicesimation.

It would be tedious to relate all of his cruelties, yet I will record one which, though it was not (as he thought) the greatest, was yet sadder than all of his other tyrannical cruelty. When some soldiers had violated the slavemaiden of their host who had long been of dubious moral character, Macrinus learned of it through one of his secret spies. He had the men brought before him and asked whether they had committed the crime. When it had been proven, Macrinus ordered two live bulls of immense size to be cut open, and for these two soldiers to be inserted into them with their heads poking out so that they could speak with each other. And so he afflicted them with this punishment because such punishments had not been established for adulterers either in the pastor even in his own time.”

*decimation = killing of every tenth man; centimation (perhaps centesimation?) = killing of every hundredth man; vicesimation = killing of every twentieth man

Fuit igitur superbus et sanguinarius et volens militariter imperare, incusans quin etiam superiorum temporum disciplinam ac solum Severum prae ceteris laudans. Nam et in crucem milites tulit et servilibus suppliccis semper adfecit et, cum seditiones militares pateretur, milites saepius decumavit, aliquando etiam centesimavit, quod verbum proprium ipsius est, cum se clementem diceret, quando eos centesimaret, qui digni essent decimatione atque vicensimatione. Longum est eius crudelitates omnes aperire, attamen unam ostendam non magnam, ut ipse credebat, sed omnibus tyrannicis inmanitatibus tristiorem. Cum quidam milites ancillam hospitis iam diu pravi pudoris affectassent atque per quendam frumentarium ille didicisset, adduci eos iussit interrogavitque, utrum esset factum. Quod cum constitisset, duos boves mirae magnitudinis vivos subito aperiri iussit atque his singulos milites inseri capitibus, ut secum conloqui possent, exertis; itaque poena eos affecit, cum ne adulteris quidem talia apud maiores vel sui temporis essent constituta supplicia.

Historia Augusta, Commodus (10-11)

“He was both a glutton and a degenerate. As a young man, he disgraced every kind of person who was with him, and was disgraced in turn. He used to throw people who laughed at him to the beasts. He even had a man, who was reading the book of Suetonius containing the life of Caligula, to be thrown to the beasts, because he had the same birthday as Caligula. If anyone expressed a wish to die, he ordered the execution to be hurried up, even if the person was actually unwilling. He was even given to harm in his jokes. He had once seen a man who had some gray hairs which resembled worms among his black hair, and had placed before him a starling who pecked at his head, thinking that he was pecking at worms; this left his head suppurating from the blows of the beak.

He cut a fat man in the middle of the stomach, so that his intestines poured out. He called people “Limpy” or “Winky” after he himself had deprived them of an eye or broken their foot. Further, he killed many more because they had run into him in barbarian dress, and others because they were noble or famous. He had among his favorites people named after the genitals of each sex, whom he used to shower with kisses. He had with him a man with a penis far exceeding the measure of those of animals; he called this man, who was dearest to him, Onos (The Ass), and he both enriched him and made him head of the priesthood of the Rustic Hercules. It is said that he often mixed human shit into even the most expensive foods, and did not even refrain from tasting them himself, making (as he thought) a mockery of others.”

Iam puer et gulosus et impudicus fuit. Adulescens omne genus hominum infamavit, quod erat secum, et ab omnibus est infamatus. Inridentes se feris obiciebat. Eum etiam, qui Tranquilli librum vitam Caligulae continentem legerat, feris obici iussit, quia eundem diem natalis habuerat, quem et Caligula. Si quis sane se mori velle praedixisset, hunc invitum praecipitari iubebat. In iocis quoque perniciosus. Nam eum, quem vidisset albescentes inter nigros capillos quasi vermiculos habere, sturno adposito, qui se vermes sectari crederet, capite suppuratum reddebat obtunsione oris. Pinguem hominem medio ventre dissicuit, ut eius intestina subito funderentur. Monopodios et luscinios eos, quibus aut singulos oculos tulisset aut singulos pedes fregisset, appellabat. Multos praeterea passim extinxit alios, quia barbarico habitu occurrerant, alios quia nobiles et speciosiores erant.  Habuit in deliciis homines appellatos nominibus verendorum utriusque sexus, quos libentius suis osculis applicabat. Habuit et hominem pene prominentem ultra modum animalium, quem Onon appellabat, sibi carissimum. quem et ditavit et sacerdotio Herculis rustici praeposuit. Dicitur saepe pretiosissimis cibis humana stercora miscuisse nec abstinuisse gustum aliis, ut putabat, inrisis.

Historia Augusta: Hadrian (20)

“In his conversation with the lower orders, he was most civil, and detested those who would take this pleasure away from him under the pretext of guarding the imperial dignity. In Alexandria, he proposed many questions to the professors, and resolved them himself. Marius Maximus says that he was cruel by nature and on that account acted in many cases very piously, fearing that what had happened to Domitian might happen to him.

Although he was not fond of placing inscriptions on his works, he named many cities Hadrianopolis, as for example Carthage and even a part of Athens. He also named a countless number of aqueducts this way. Hadrian was also the first to institute a lawyer in charge of advocating for the treasury.

Hadrian had an enormous memory and was possessed of boundless ability – he himself dictated his orations and responded to everything. Many of his jokes survive, too, for he was a fairly witty man. That one line became well known, in which he responded to an old man to whom he had already refused something yet who had put on a hairpiece and asked again, ‘I already denied that to your father.'”

In conloquiis etiam humillimorum civilissimus fuit, detestans eos qui sibi hanc voluptatem humanitatis quasi servantes fastigium principis inviderent. apud Alexandriam in Museo multas quaestiones professoribus proposuit et propositas ipse dissolvit. Marius Maximus dicit eum natura crudelem fuisse et idcirco multa pie fecisse quod timeret, ne sibi idem quod Domitiano accidit eveniret.

Et cum titulos in operibus non amaret, multas civitates Hadrianopolis appellavit, ut ipsam Carthaginem et Athenarum partem. aquarum ductus etiam infinitos hoc nomine nuncupavit. fisci advocatum primus instituit.

Fuit memoriae ingentis, facultatis immensae; nam ipse et orationes dictavit et ad omnia respondit. ioca eius plurima exstant; nam fuit etiam dicaculus. unde illud quoque innotuit quod, cum cuidam canescenti quiddam negasset, eidem iterum petenti sed infecto capite respondit: “Iam hoc patri tuo negavi”.