Bellum Incivile: The Unlikely Candidate

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.

C. Julius Caesar (?), Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick

1.30 Although he had five draft deferments, did not pay taxes along with everyone else, had nothing to do with politics, and had no skill in public speaking, Manicula sought the consulship, but not out of a desire to serve the people nor out of enthusiasm for his political party.

For which reason his associates Michael Cohen, Ivanka, Don Jr., Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, George Papadopoulus, Carter Page, Roger Stone, and Rick Gates, driven by the hope of influence and rewards, started communicating with Russians that Manicula had hoped for a long time to build opulent housing in their country and that he was seeking the enemy’s help so that he could be elected consul.

Manicula and his associates were completely incapable of reading Cicero’s orations, but they believed his words: “There are no plots more undetectable than those carried out under the guise of public duty or in the name of some sort of obligation. For you can easily avoid a known enemy by being cautious; to contrast, a hidden and deep-seated domestic threat not only exists, but actually crushes you before you can detect it and learn more about it.”* Because of this, they all thought they were able to avoid suspicion.

1.30 Manicula cum militiae quinque vacationes haberet neque tributa una cum reliquis penderet neque forum attingeret neque ullam dicendi facultatem haberet, tamen consulatum petivit, sed neque cupiditate serviendi populi neque studio partium adficiebatur.

Qua de causa eius comites M. Coenus et Ivanca et Donaldellus et P. Virfortus et M. Flinnus et G. Papadus et P. Cartus et R. Lapis et R. Porta spe auctoritatis atque munerum inducti cum legatis Sarmatiae loqui coeperant: Maniculam se aulam auream in Sarmatiae finibus aedificaturum diu speravisse et auxilium hostium quo consul nuntiaretur petere.

Manicula comitesque orationes Ciceronis legere haudquaquam poterant, sed crederunt eius verbis: “Nullae sunt occultiores insidiae quam eae quae latent in simulatione offici aut in aliquo necessitudinis nomine. Nam eum qui palam est adversarius facile cavendo vitare possis; hoc vero occultum intestinum ac domesticum malum non modo non exsistit, verum etiam opprimit antequam prospicere atque explorare potueris.” Ob eam causam omnes sese suspicionem vitare posse arbitrabantur.


*Cicero, Verrine Oration 2.39


Bellum Incivile: Manicula and the Puppet Master

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick.

9.32  An investigation was opened into Manicula because they thought he was working against the republic as an agent of an enemy nation. It was known that Manicula was meeting secretly with Puppet Master, the leader of Russia, who was taking advantage of Manicula’s extreme ignorance and immorality for the benefit of his own kingdom and believed everything was for sale in the republic because of Manicula’s greed. For this reason, they did not yet know what plans Manicula had made; how Puppet Master had brought it about that Manicula would act in the interests of the kingdom of Russia rather than in the interests of his homeland; and, whether Puppet Master had actually taken control of our nation.

9.32 De Manicula quaestionem habent propterea quod hunc ministrum hostium contra rem publicam facere existimabant. Maniculam cum Pupuli Ero, Sarmatiae imperatore, qui eius summam ignorantiam ac animi foeditatem regno suo haberet omniaque venalia propter eius avaritiam in re publica esse credidit, clam loqui cognitum est. Qua de causa nondum intellexerunt quae consilia Manicula cepisset, quomodo P. Erus effecisset ut Manicula regno Samaritiae quam suae patriae consuleret, num vero P. Erus imperium nostrae civitatis obtinuisset. 


Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Speech to the Nation

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

14.3 When Manicula communicated to the people, he usually read from a script because he was so unrefined and boorish in his manner of speaking. He failed to follow the rules of the language on account of his restricted vocabulary and unusual sentence structure to such a degree that his thoughts were often not intelligible and it was not possible to follow him. He would repeat all of the insults he received in all occasions from his enemies with the same exact words and he would brag about himself excessively and express contempt for others with the outcome that he made himself out to be smaller instead of greater.

He proclaimed that he was the only source of knowledge, but no stone was more stupid. Through his false words, he led the citizens to believe that an enemy was invading our territory and openly attacking the whole republic; and that he alone was able to keep the republic safe by building a wall and to liberate it from this scourge. Most people did not believe him, but when they said what they were thinking, the Republicans refused to diminish the power of Manicula, acting as if he were a normal leader.

14.3  Cum Manicula ad cives contionem haberet, scripta verba legere solebat propterea quod in dicendo tam illepidus et infacetus erat. Ob magnam verborum inopiam contextumque sermonis inusitatum dicendi regula ita non custodiebat ut sententiae saepe non intellegeruntur intentionemque prosequi non posset. Omnium temporum iniurias inimicorum eisdem verbis in se iterabat; se supra modum iactabat certerosque dispiciebat ut se minorem quam maiorem faceret.

Se solam scientiae fontem praedicebat, sed vero nullum hoc stolidius erat saxum. Cuius verbis falsis cives ad credendum duxit hostes in fines nostros incursionem facere aperteque rem publicam universam petere; se solum salutem rei publicae muro conficiendo adferre atque rem publicam peste liberare posse. Plerique ei non crediderunt, sed cum quae senserunt dicerunt, Republicani potestatem Maniculae, velut si sanus consul esset, reprimere recusaverunt.


Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Obsession with the Wall

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

13.7 While he was not paying citizens their salaries, Manicula began to demand a wall with loud lamentation: That a great multitude of barbarians, a danger to the country, were crossing over into the territory, as they had before, and that he must do something as quickly as possible to prevent it. Since the Republicans never disapproved of him and always enthusiastically approved of his plans, which were inane and ridiculous, Manicula continued to behave like a tyrant instead of a president. On account of this, Manicula said that previous presidents had wanted to build this wall and that he, the best president of all, would unilaterally order the army to build it. Many people from everywhere declared that Manicula was a reprobate, irrational, and brazen man and that they could not endure his rule much longer.

Meanwhile the Democrats hastened with the greatest possible marches and at last arrived at the Capitol in order to protect the entire country from the outrages of Manicula.

13.7 Dum civibus nullum stipendium numerabat, Manicula murum magno fletu imperare coepit: magnam barbarorum multitudinem periculosam patriae in fines transire, ut ante fecissent, seque his rebus quam maturrime occurrendum. Cum Republicani eum numquam reprehenderent et eius consilia, quae inania ac inridenda sunt, vehementissime comprobarent, Manicula nec consulem sed tyrannum agebat. Itaque Manicula dixit: veteres consules hunc murum conficere voluisse; se optimum consulem omnium exercitum murum ad suum arbitrium conficere iussurum. Multi undique professi sunt hominem improbum, iracundum, temerarium eiusque imperium diutius sustineri non posse.
Interim quam maximis possunt itineribus Democratici contenderunt et ad Capitolium tandem pervenerunt ut omnem patriam ab Maniculae iniuria defenderent.


Bellum Incivile: Manicula Can’t Stop Tweeting

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.

13.5 The next day Manicula continued to send out messages publicly via Twitter:  that the children, whom he himself had put in cages because of his fear of migrants, had succumbed to their illness because of the Democrats; and that if the wall had been built, migrants would not even try to cross into the territory; why did the Democrats prefer to harass him, the best consul, rather than build a beautiful wall along with him? This was his concern: that Bob Mueller and the Democrats, having accused an innocent man, deleted 19,000 messages because of an illegitimate investigation into election fraud designed prove that he had come to power because of crimes.

Nobody caused Manicula more hardship and pain than Bob Mueller.

13.5  Postero die Manicula multas litteras caerulis avibus ad cives mittebat: infantes, quos ipse timore profugorum adfectus in custodiam dedisset, Democratorum vitio vim morbi sustinere non potuisse; si murum confectum esset, profugos in fines transire non quidem temptaturos fuisse; cur Democratici se optimum consulem vehementer vexare quam pulcherrimum murum secum conficere mallent? haec sibi esse curae: B. Molinarium Democraticosque innocenti accusato XIX millia litterarum ob improbam quaestionem de fraude comitiorum extinxisse ut imperium civitatis nefario facinore obtenuisse probare possent;

nemo tantum difficultatis tantumque doloris, quantum B. Molinarium Maniculae tradiderat.


Blue Birds


Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Holiday Tweets

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.
13.4 Since his wife and son had taken a trip, Manicula stayed at home in the White House during the holidays. Having shut down the government and dismissed John Kelly, he sent out many shameful messages and absurdities to the public via his Twitter account: that he was miserable and all alone waiting for the Democrats to come back to him and make a deal; that The Wall and border security are two different things;* that everyone should give thanks to Saudi Arabia because they said they might bring help to an unfortunate nation; that the republic was doing well because of strong Borders, the return of the Army from war, and trade agreements; that he would prohibit all people from crossing into the territory and make new laws about immigrants who seek safety in flight, unless the Democrats gave him a lot of money to build the Wall; that the Fake News had gone crazy because he had signed soldiers’ red MAGA hats, which he denied bringing into theater; and that thanks should be given to Sean Parnell of Fox and Friends** for praising he and Melania after they visited the troops.***
It is said that a wise and noble politician does not dedicate himself to trivial conflicts and self-promotion, but to the administration of the republic. Manicula was neither wise nor noble.

13.4 Cum uxor filiusque iter fecissent, Manicula solus in Regia Candida dies festos manebat. Administratione rei publicae impedita Cellioque dimisso multas litteras indecoras et ineptias avibus caeruleis ad cives misit: se miserum ac persolum dum Democratici negotiandi causa ad se redirent expectare; Murum et praesidia finium inter se differre;* gratias Arabiae, quae se auxilium civitati miserae fortasse ferre posse diceret, omnibus agendas; rem publicam propter Praesidia fortia et Exercitus a bello revocationem et commericia esse salvam; se omnes ab finibus prohibiturum novasque leges de confugis, qui fuga salutem peterent, iussurum nisi Democraticos sibi multam pecuniam ad murum aedificandum darent; Falsam Famam propterea quod sanguinicis militum mitris, quas ab se ad belli sedes portari negaret, nomen notavisset conturbatam esse; gratias S. Parnello, Volpi Amico,** agendas quod is*** et Melaniam militibus salutatis laudaret.

Virum civilem, qui vere sapiens ac nobilis sit, se non otiosis disputationibus et iactationi sed administrationi rei publicae dare dicitur. Manicula erat neque sapiens neque nobilis.

* There could be a problem with the text here since a wall is quite literally a type of border security, and Manicula was promoting it as such during that time.
** Volpis Amicus, sometimes written Volpis ac Comites, is thought to be a guild of pseudo-orators who spread propaganda around the republic on behalf of Manicula.
*** The original message was uncovered along with this section of Bellum Incivile, and it appears Manicula used a nominative form of the personal pronoun instead of an accusative (‘he praised Melania and I.’ This instance of ‘is’ could be an attempt by the author to mimic Manicula’s unusual rhetorical style.


Bellum Incivile: Government Shutdown Over the Wall

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

8.3 For reasons I already mentioned, Manicula resolved to keep people of color out of the homeland by means of executive orders and an expensive wall. Since he feared that people fleeing mortal danger and actual coyotes— amazing to say!– might cross the border and that heavy bags full of drugs might be thrown into the territory, he devised a new kind of wall, through which it possible to look, but not to enter, and decreed that sharpened stakes of steel be placed at regular, two-foot intervals into the ground. Disturbed by the new and rather unusual appearance of the wall, the citizens laughed and made fun of it, saying this plan for border security was childish and stupid and that the wall looked just like a medieval fortification. 

8.3 Manicula, his de causis quas commemoravi, coloratas gentes a patria decretis ac muro magni pretii prohibere constituit. Qui veritus ne gentes periculum effugientes et veri lupi, mirabile dictu, transirent saccique tumentes multis potionibus in fines conicerentur, formam muri novam, quo perspici posset, sed non intrari, excogitavit decrevitque ut trabes ferri praeacutae paribus intervallis, distantes inter se binos pedes, in solo collocarentur. Nova atque inusitatiore specie commoti cives inridebant atque increpitabant vocibus, consilium finium tuendorum puerile et stultum murumque simillimum forma munitionibus perveteribus esse.

8.4 Moved by great anger because of these words, Manicula replied that the wall should be referred to as a Beautiful Steel Slat Barrier; that the government must be shut down until the senators provide funding for his wall; and that in the meantime, according to his usual custom, he would put everyone who crossed the border into freezers and cages.

8.4 Magna adfectus ira his verbis Manicula ad ea respondit: murum Claustrum Trabium Ferrearum Pulchrum appellandum; rem publicam non administrandam, nisi senatores pecuniam publicam ex aerario ad murum struendum darent. Se interim consuetudine sua omnes, qui in fines transirent, in arcas gelatas ac caveas mitturum.


Bellum Incivile: Ryan Zinke Profits From His Position


Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.

3.2 Even though he had no understanding of physical science, Ryan Zinke kept telling everyone he was a geologist and oversaw the health of the seas, rivers, mountains, and forests. As soon as he was appointed by Manicula, he began to scheme and turn over in his mind how he could make the most money during his term. Having abandoned science, he denied that terrible storms had arisen because of global warming and that lakes had been polluted because of man with the result that he was calling the whole nation to death and devastation, thinking the earth should be destroyed rather than conserved. Manicula approved of this travesty for a rather long time.

3.2 Cum ignarus physicorum esset, R. Zincus omnibus se geologum esse semper praedicebat salutique marium et rivorum et montium et silvorum praeerat. Simul atque a Manicula praefectus est, quaerere et in animo agitare coepit quomodo maximam quattuor annis pecuniam facere posset. Scientia relicta miserandas tempestates caelo ob aestum orbis coortas lacosque ob homines corruptos adeo negabat ut rem publicam universam ad exitum et vastitatem vocaret, existimans tellus delendum quam conservandum. Manicula hunc malum diutius fovebat.

Newly Discovered Text: Caesar on Education and News in Finland

The following text, surmised to be a lost appendix to the well known De Bello Gallico, presents some general facts about education and fake news in Northern Europe for an audience of the Republic far removed from such mundane concerns. The previous section on forestry can be found here.

C. Julius Caesar (?), De Silvis. Edited by Dani Bostick.

1.5 In Finland schools are very different from prisons and for this reason seem rather unusual to foreigners. It is permitted to walk and play outside rather often so that teachers, who are considered to be almost gods and receive the greatest honor among their people, can keep students in a happy state of mind. When students learn, their bodies are calm not because they fear punishment or are asleep but because they delight in knowledge. They enjoy excellent lunches consisting of small fish, sausages, cheese, and fruit so that bad nutrition does not diminish their strength and enthusiasm. And none of this originates in factories far away, but in neighboring gardens and fields. The state prepares for slaughter in schools in proportion to the danger of this possibility; since there is no danger of this type of situation, they have nothing to prepare for. This is the greatest glory to Finland.

1.5 In Finlandia scholae dissimillimae carceribus atque ob eam causam inusitatioresque barbaris sunt. licet in locis apertis saepius errare ludereque ut magistri, qui paene deorum habentur loco maximamque inter suos ferunt laudem, animi felicitate discipulos contineant. Cum hi docent, corpora eorum neque timore poenarum neque somnio, sed delectationibus scientiae immota sunt. gustant prandia optima, quae in pisculis et tomaculis et caseo et pomis consistunt, ne malus victus vires studiumque diminuat. nec quicquam in remota fabrica, sed in hortis et agris vicinis nascitur. Civitas pro magnitudine periculi caedem in scholis parat. Quoniam nullum periculum caedis est, nihil parandum est. Finlandiae maxima laus est.

1.6 The leader of Finland can read and understands everything easily even without pictures. When he hears gossip or a rumor, he does not communicate it publicly because it has been discovered that fearful and ignorant people are scared by rumors and sometimes believe false words. The leader avoids driving his citizens to greater madness and conveys the truth to the people. For in Finland they do not think it is appropriate to deceive or manipulate with deceitful lies. For this reason the leader of Finland is held in high regard not only at home home but also among all nations.

1.6 Dux Finlandiae legere potest omniaque etiam sine picturis faciliter intellegit. Cum rumorem aut famam accepit, publice non communicat, quod saepe homines temerarios atque imperitos falsis rumoribus terreri et falsis verbis interdum credere cognitum est. Itaque dux cives ad maiorem amentiam impellere vitans veritatem multitudini prodit. Nam in Finlandia nefas esse existimatur subdolis mendaciis fallere aut inducere. Qua de causa dux Finlandiae non solum domi sed etiam apud omnes nationes honore largiter habetur.

Caveat lector: this might be a piece of satire.

David with musicians and dancing children
David with musicians and dancing children, Illuminated psalter, Master of Isabella di Chiaromonte, Matteo Felice

Newly Discovered Text: Caesar on Forestry in Finland

The following text, surmised to be a lost appendix to the well known De Bello Gallico, presents some general facts about the practice of forestry in Northern Europe for an audience of the Republic far removed from such mundane concerns (until, of course, their country burns down around them…).

C. Julius Caesar (?), De Silvis. Edited by Dani Bostick.

1.3 The best part of Gaul is Finland which is inhabited by the most intelligent citizens of all because they most often rake leaves and keep four rakes under every tree. For this reason the Finnish people also surpass everybody in safety, because almost every day they clean their forest with these rakes either when leaves fall from trees or when there is dirt of another kind.

1.3 Optima pars Galliae est Finlandia quam cives intellegentissimi omnium colunt propterea quod saepissimeque folias conradunt atque quattuor pectines sub omni arbore ponunt. Qua de causa Finlandi quoque omnes sapientia praecedunt, quod fere cotidie pectinibus silvas purgant, cum aut foliae ex arboribus cadunt aut illuvies alterius generis est.

1.4 This technique is thought to have originated in Canada, where there are many forests, and brought to Finland, but now those who want to learn more about it do not go there for the sake of learning about it. You see, the entire nation of the Finnish people is extremely devoted to learning and on that account foreign teachers come to Finland so that they might learn to teach well, but they never ask how to keep forests clean on account of their stupidity.

1.4 Haec disciplina in Canada reperta atque in Finlandiam translata esse existimatur, sed nunc, qui diligentius eam rem cognoscere volunt, plerumque illo discendi causa non proficiscuntur. Nam natio est omnis Finlandorum admodum dedita eruditioni, atque ob eam causam barbari magistri veniunt ut bene docere discant, sed ob stultitiam quomodo silvae purgentur numquam rogant.

Dani Bostick teaches high school Latin and an occasional micro-section of ancient Greek in Virginia where she lives with her husband, children, and muppet-like dogs. She has published many collections of Latin mottoes online, has a strong presence as an activist for survivors of sexual violence on twitter, and is available to write, speak, or rabble-rouse.

Caveat lector: this might be a piece of satire.

Finding the Hart from Livre de la Chasse by Gaston Phoebus, Count de Foix.