Anger, Eggs, and Some Semen: A Recipe for Apostasy

Further adventures in the Homeric Scholia

Schol. b ad Il. 2.783

“They report that Gaia, annoyed over the murder of the giants, slandered Zeus to Hera and that she went to speak out to Kronos. He gave her two eggs and he rubbed them down with his own semen and ordered her to put them down in the ground from where a spirit would arise who would rebel against Zeus from the beginning. She did this because she was really angry and set them down below Arimos in Kilikia.

But when Typhoeus appeared Hera relented and told Zeus everything. He struck him down with lightning and named him Mt. Aetna. This report works well for us not to have an issue that this is the Homeric Account. He names the grave a resting place euphemistically.”

φασὶ τὴν Γῆν ἀγανακτοῦσαν ἐπὶ τῷ φόνῳ τῶν Γιγάντων διαβαλεῖν Δία τῇ ῞Ηρᾳ. τὴν δὲ πρὸς Κρόνον ἀπελθοῦσαν ἐξειπεῖν. τὸν δὲ δοῦναι αὐτῇ δύο ᾠά, τῷ ἰδίῳ χρίσαντα θορῷ καὶ κελεύσαντα κατὰ γῆς ἀποθέσθαι, ἀφ’ ὧν ἀναδοθήσεται δαίμων ὁ ἀποστήσων Δία τῆς ἀρχῆς. θέσθαι, ἀφ’ ὧν ἀναδοθήσεται δαίμων ὁ ἀποστήσων Δία τῆς ἀρχῆς. ἡ δέ, ὡς εἶχεν ὀργῆς, ἔθετο αὐτὰ ὑπὸ τὸ ῎Αριμον τῆς Κιλικίας. ἀναδο-θέντος δὲ τοῦ Τυφῶνος ῞Ηρα διαλλαγεῖσα Διῒ τὸ πᾶν ἐκφαίνει. ὁ δὲ κεραυνώσας Αἴτνην τὸ ὄρος ὠνόμασεν. καλῶς δὲ καὶ τὸ φασίν, ἵνα  μὴ προσκρούοιμεν ὡς ῾Ομηρικῷ ὄντι τῷ στίχῳ. εὐφήμως δὲ τὸν τάφον εὐνὰς ἐκάλεσεν.

Heracles and Typhon, Acr. 36 plus. From the West Pediment of Hekatompedon. Acropolis Musuem, Athens.

Rectal Closure Recommended

Corpus Inscriptionum Latinarum (IV.8899)

Dear guest, the bones of this tomb ask that you don’t piss here.

If you would like to do one better, take a shit.

You see the monuments of the nettle – get out of here, shitter!

It’s not safe to open your asshole here.

I Defecated Because of Fear” – SENTENTIAE ANTIQUAE

Hospes adhuc tumuli ni meias ossa prec[antur]

Nam si vis (h)uic gratior esse caca

Urticae monumenta vides discede cacator

non est hic tutum culu(m) aperire tibi

The Weight of Divinity

Homer, Iliad 5.837-9

“The goddess Athena climbed into the chariot next to godlike Diomedes in haste; the oak axle groaned greatly under the weight, for it carried both the terrible goddess and the noble man.”

ἣ δ᾽ ἐς δίφρον ἔβαινε παραὶ Διομήδεα δῖον

ἐμμεμαυῖα θεά: μέγα δ᾽ ἔβραχε φήγινος ἄξων

βριθοσύνῃ: δεινὴν γὰρ ἄγεν θεὸν ἄνδρά τ᾽ ἄριστον.

Vergil, Aeneid 6.412-13

“He accepted huge Aeneas into the hollow craft; the boat groaned under his weight.”

…simul accipit alveo

ingentem Aenean. gemuit sub pondere cumba

A Good Person and the Parade of Fools

Simonides fr. 542.11-40 (=Plat. Protag. 339a–346d)

“Pittacus’ saying doesn’t sound right
To me, even though spoken by a wise person.
He said it is hard to be good.

Only god can have that prize, it is impossible
For a human to not be bad,
When unalterable misfortune grips them.
When things are going well,
Anyone can be noble–
And anyone breaks bad in bad times.
And the people who are best?
They’re mostly the ones the gods favor.

That’s why I am not going to throw my life away
Searching out the impossible, an impractical
Empty hope–a person free of all fault,
Not a one of all those who eat the harvest of the broad earth

But if I find one, I will let you know.
For now, I praise all people who
Do nothing shameful willingly.
Not even the gods battle necessity.

I don’t love blame–it seems enough to me
For someone not to be evil, and not too untrustworthy
And to know something of the justice that keeps a city safe.

That’s a safe man–I will not fault
Him, since there’s no limit
To the parade of fools.
All things not completely mixed with shame,
Are fine indeed.”

οὐδέ μοι ἐμμελέως τὸ Πιττάκειον
νέμεται, καίτοι σοφοῦ παρὰ φωτὸς εἰρημένον·
χαλεπὸν φάτ᾿ ἐσθλὸν ἔμμεναι.
θεὸς ἂν μόνος τοῦτ᾿ ἔχοι γέρας, ἄνδρα δ᾿ οὐκ
ἔστι μὴ οὐ κακὸν ἔμμεναι,
ὃν ἀμήχανος συμφορὰ καθέλῃ·
πράξας γὰρ εὖ πᾶς ἀνὴρ ἀγαθός,
κακὸς δ᾿ εἰ κακῶς [
[ἐπὶ πλεῖστον δὲ καὶ ἄριστοί εἰσιν
[οὓς ἂν οἱ θεοὶ φιλῶσιν.]
τοὔνεκεν οὔ ποτ᾿ ἐγὼ τὸ μὴ γενέσθαι
δυνατὸν διζήμενος κενεὰν ἐς ἄπρακτον
ἐλπίδα μοῖραν αἰῶνος βαλέω,
πανάμωμον ἄνθρωπον, εὐρυεδέος ὅσοι
καρπὸν αἰνύμεθα χθονός·
ἐπὶ δ᾿ ὑμὶν εὑρὼν ἀπαγγελέω.
πάντας δ᾿ ἐπαίνημι καὶ φιλέω,

ἑκὼν ὅστις ἔρδῃ
μηδὲν αἰσχρόν· ἀνάγκᾳ
δ᾿ οὐδὲ θεοὶ μάχονται.

[
[
[οὐκ εἰμὶ φιλόψογος, ἐπεὶ ἔμοιγε ἐξαρκεῖ
ὃς ἂν μὴ κακὸς ᾖ] μηδ᾿ ἄγαν ἀπάλαμνος εἰδώς
γ᾿ ὀνησίπολιν δίκαν,
ὑγιὴς ἀνήρ· οὐδὲ μή μιν ἐγὼ
μωμήσομαι· τῶν γὰρ ἠλιθίων
ἀπείρων γενέθλα.
πάντα τοι καλά, τοῖσίν
τ᾿ αἰσχρὰ μὴ μέμεικται.

Rembrandt van Rijn (1606–1669), “Landscape with the Parable of the good Samaritan”

Greeks Too Late

Diodorus Siculus, Library of History (1.96):

The priests of the Egyptians relate from the registers in their sacred books that long ago, they were visited by Orpheus and Musaeus, Melampus and Daedalus, and in addition to these by Homer the poet and Lycurgus the Spartan, and even by Solon of Athens and Plato the philosopher; Pythagoras of Samos came to Egypt too, as did the mathematician Eudoxus, Democritus of Abdera, and Oenopides of Chios. As signs of all this, they show images of them, they demonstrate their names applied to various places and structures, and they produce demonstrations of their enviable learning, affirming that everything that people marvel at in the Greeks actually came from Egypt.

They claim that most of the mystic rites of Orpheus, the celebrations related to his wandering, and the stories about his time in Hades came from there. They say that the rites of Osiris are the same as those of Dionysus, those of Isis more or less the same as those of Demeter, with the names alone being different. The punishments of the wicked in Hades, the fields of the blessed, and the fashioning of images produce something imitating burials as they are performed in Egypt. They hold that Hermes the Psychompompus, in accordance with ancient Egyptian custom, leads the body of Apis back from the dead and gives it to someone wearing the face of Cerberus. After Orpheus made this clear to the Greeks, Homer followed him in setting it down in verse thus:

Cyllenian Hermes called forth the souls of the suitors, holding the staff in his hand.

Then, as he descended again,

They went by the waves of the Ocean and the White Rock,

Past the gates of Helios and the land of Dreams;

Suddenly they came to the Grove of Asphodel

Where souls live, the phantoms of exhausted mortals.

οἱ γὰρ ἱερεῖς τῶν Αἰγυπτίων ἱστοροῦσιν ἐκ τῶν ἀναγραφῶν τῶν ἐν ταῖς ἱεραῖς βίβλοις παραβαλεῖν πρὸς ἑαυτοὺς τὸ παλαιὸν Ὀρφέα τε καὶ Μουσαῖον καὶ Μελάμποδα καὶ Δαίδαλον, πρὸς δὲ τούτοις Ὅμηρόν τε τὸν ποιητὴν καὶ Λυκοῦργον τὸν Σπαρτιάτην, ἔτι δὲ Σόλωνα τὸν Ἀθηναῖον καὶ Πλάτωνα τὸν φιλόσοφον, ἐλθεῖν δὲ καὶ Πυθαγόραν τὸν Σάμιον καὶ τὸν μαθηματικὸν Εὔδοξον, ἔτι δὲ Δημόκριτον τὸν Ἀβδηρίτην καὶ Οἰνοπίδην τὸν Χῖον. πάντων δὲ τούτων σημεῖα δεικνύουσι τῶν μὲν εἰκόνας, τῶν δὲ τόπων ἢ κατασκευασμάτων ὁμωνύμους προσηγορίας, ἔκ τε τῆς ἑκάστῳ ζηλωθείσης παιδείας ἀποδείξεις φέρουσι, συνιστάντες ἐξ Αἰγύπτου μετενηνέχθαι πάντα δι᾽ ὧν παρὰ τοῖς Ἕλλησιν ἐθαυμάσθησαν.

Ὀρφέα μὲν γὰρ τῶν μυστικῶν τελετῶν τὰ πλεῖστα καὶ τὰ περὶ τὴν ἑαυτοῦ πλάνην ὀργιαζόμενα καὶ τὴν τῶν ἐν ᾄδου μυθοποιίαν ἀπενέγκασθαι. τὴν μὲν γὰρ Ὀσίριδος τελετὴν τῇ Διονύσου τὴν αὐτὴν εἶναι, τὴν δὲ τῆς Ἴσιδος τῇ τῆς Δήμητρος ὁμοιοτάτην ὑπάρχειν, τῶν ὀνομάτων μόνων ἐνηλλαγμένων: τὰς δὲ τῶν ἀσεβῶν ἐν ᾄδου τιμωρίας καὶ τοὺς τῶν εὐσεβῶν λειμῶνας καὶ τὰς παρὰ τοῖς πολλοῖς εἰδωλοποιίας ἀναπεπλασμένας παρεισαγαγεῖν μιμησάμενον τὰ γινόμενα περὶ τὰς ταφὰς τὰς κατ᾽ Αἴγυπτον. τὸν μὲν γὰρ ψυχοπομπὸν Ἑρμῆν κατὰ τὸ παλαιὸν νόμιμον παρ᾽ Αἰγυπτίοις ἀναγαγόντα τὸ τοῦ Ἄπιδος σῶμα μέχρι τινὸς παραδιδόναι τῷ περικειμένῳ τὴν τοῦ Κερβέρου προτομήν. τοῦ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως τοῦτο καταδείξαντος παρὰ τοῖς Ἕλλησι τὸν Ὅμηρον ἀκολούθως τούτῳ θεῖναι κατὰ τὴν ποίησιν

Ἑρμῆς δὲ ψυχὰς Κυλλήνιος ἐξεκαλεῖτο

ἀνδρῶν μνηστήρων, ἔχε δὲ ῥάβδον μετὰ χερσίν.

εἶτα πάλιν ὑποβάντα λέγειν

πὰρ δ᾽ ἴσαν Ὠκεανοῦ τε ῥοὰς καὶ Λευκάδα πέτρην,

ἠδὲ παρ᾽ Ἠελίοιο πύλας καὶ δῆμον Ὀνείρων

ἤισαν: αἶψα δ᾽ ἵκοντο κατ᾽ ἀσφοδελὸν λειμῶνα,

ἔνθα τε ναίουσι ψυχαί, εἴδωλα καμόντων

Lock Up Your Winds! A Song for Safe Passage

Anonymous, To The Rhodian Winds [P. Oxy. xi. 1915, no. 1383, p. 236.]

“I used to give orders to the Rhodian winds
And the neighborhoods of the sea
When I wanted to sail
When I wanted to stay there

I used to sing to the corners of the sea:
Don’t let the waters strike me!
Put the waves at the command of the sailors!
The whole wind is pressing on us!

Night, Lock up your winds and
make safe our way.”

Ῥοδίοις ἐκέλευον ἀνέμοις
καὶ μέρεσι τοῖς πελαγίοις
ὅτε πλέειν ἤθελον ἐγώ,
ὅτε μένειν ἤθελον ἐκεῖ,
ἔλεγον μέρε(σιν) πελαγίο(ις)·
μὴ τύπηι τὰ πελάγη·
ἅλ᾿ ὑποτάξατε ναυσιβά[τ]αις.
ὅλος ἄρ᾿ ἄνεμος ἐπείγεται.
ἀπόκλειε τὰ πνεύματα καί, Ν[ύ]ξ,
δὸς τὰ [. .]ατ᾿ εὔβατα.

Black figure vase. Sailing vessel in the middle of a red vase with dolphins around. A beareded figure sits in the middle
Dionysos in a ship, sailing among dolphins. Attic black-figure kylix, ca. 530 BC. From Vulci.

Death, Sleep, and Our Bodies’ Recyclable Clay

Plutarch, Moralia. A Letter of Condolence to Apollonius, 106e-f

“For when is death not present among us? Truly, as Heraclitus says, “living and dying is the same and so is being awake and asleep or youth and old age. For each turns back into the other again.”

Just as someone can make shapes of living things from the same clay and then collapse them and shape something new again repeatedly, so too did nature shape our ancestors from the same material, collapse it, and reshape it to make our parents and us in turn”

πότε γὰρ ἐν ἡμῖν αὐτοῖς οὐκ ἔστιν ὁ θάνατος; καί, ᾗ φησιν Ἡράκλειτος, “ταὐτό γ᾿ ἔνι ζῶν καὶ τεθνηκὸς καὶ τὸ ἐγρηγορὸς καὶ τὸ καθεῦδον καὶ νέον καὶ γηραιόν· τάδε γὰρ μεταπεσόντα ἐκεῖνά ἐστι, κἀκεῖνα πάλιν μεταπεσόντα ταῦτα.” ὡς γὰρ ἐκ τοῦ αὐτοῦ πηλοῦ δύναταί τις πλάττων ζῷα συγχεῖν καὶ πάλιν πλάττειν καὶ συγχεῖν καὶ τοῦθ᾿ ἓν παρ᾿ ἓν ποιεῖν ἀδιαλείπτως, οὕτω καὶ ἡ φύσις ἐκ τῆς αὐτῆς ὕλης πάλαι μὲν τοὺς προγόνους ἡμῶν ἀνέσχεν, εἶτα συνεχεῖς αὐτοῖς3 ἐγέννησε τοὺς πατέρας, εἶθ᾿ ἡμᾶς,

black and white photo of an artist sitting in a studio looking at a sculpture. The woman is sitting on a stool looking at a small figurine on a high table in front of home

Anakreon Says, Hit it And Quit

Anacreonta 60b

“Come, my heart, why are you crazed
By that best kind of madness?
Come on, take your shot
So you can hit what you want and leave.

Let go of Aphrodite’s bow–
She used it to conquer the gods.
Imitate Anakreon,
The sweetest singer.
Tip a cup to the boys,
Your gorgeous cup of words.

Once we take some comfort
From the downing nektar,
We can run from the burning dogstar.”

ἄγε, θυμέ, πῇ μέμηνας
μανίην μανεὶς ἀρίστην;
τὸ βέλος, φέρε, κράτυνον,
σκοπὸν ὡς βαλὼν ἀπέλθῃς.

τὸ δὲ τόξον Ἀφροδίτης
ἄφες, ᾧ θεοὺς ἐνίκα.
τὸν Ἀνακρέοντα μιμοῦ,
τὸν ἀοίδιμον μελιστήν.
φιάλην πρόπινε παισίν,

φιάλην λόγων ἐραννήν·
ἀπὸ νέκταρος ποτοῖο
παραμύθιον λαβόντες
φλογερὸν φύγωμεν ἄστρον.

Close up of a red figure vase. Black background with an a nude archer in the foreground, aiming his bow to the left and drawing an arrow.
Archer, side B of an Attic red-figure eye-cup. Signed by Epiktetos as painter and by Pamphaios as potter.

An Essay About How Your Words Don’t Hurt Me

Seneca, De Brevitate Vitae 26.4-6

“Some Socrates—or any other person who has similar authority or talent for these human matters—says “I am persuaded by nothing less than your opinion that I should change my life. Pour the typical abuse on me from every angle. I won’t even notice that you’re attacking me because you’re wailing just like poor little babies.”

This is what someone says who has come to wisdom, whose soul has escaped vices and calls on him to correct others not out of hatred but in order to treat them. Someone like this might say to others, “Your opinion about me affects me on your account, not mine because despising and attacking virtue is foreswearing any hope of the good. You don’t hurt me just as mortals don’t harm the gods when they destroy the altars.

Yet an evil proposition and an evil plan is obvious even when it lacks the power to harm someone. I tolerate your prattle even as Jupiter the Highest and Greatest tolerates the absurd claims of poets: one gives him wings, one gives him horns, another even depicts him as a supreme adulterer, up all night, while others show him to be mean to the other gods, unjust to men, a rapist of freeborn boys or his own relatives, and a parricide and usurper of his father’s throne.

The poets have accomplished nothing more than relieving people of their shame at doing wrong if they have truly believed the gods are like this. So, even though your words don’t harm me, I’m still warning you for your own benefit.”

“Nihil magis,” inquit ille Socrates, aut aliquis alius, ius cui idem adversus humana atque eadem potestas est, “persuasi mihi, quam ne ad opiniones vestras actum vitae meae flecterem. Solita conferte undique verba; non conviciari vos putabo sed vagire velut infantes miserrimos.” Haec dicet ille, cui sapientia contigit, quem animus vitiorum immunis increpare alios, non quia odit, sed in remedium iubet. Adiciet his illa: “Existimatio me vestra non meo nomine sed vestro movet, quia clamitantis odisse et lacessere virtutem bonae spei eiuratio est. Nullam mihi iniuriam facitis, sed ne dis quidem hi qui aras evertunt.

Office Space Michael Bolton GIF - Office Space Michael Bolton Why Should I Change GIFs

Sed malum propositum apparet malumque consilium etiam ibi, ubi nocere non potuit. Sic vestras halucinationes fero quemadmodum Iuppiter optimus maximus ineptias poetarum, quorum alius illi alas imposuit, alius cornua, alius adulterum illum induxit et abnoctantem, alius saevum in deos, alius iniquum in homines, alius raptorem ingenuorum et cognatorum quidem, alius. parricidam et regni alieni paternique expugnatorem. Quibus nihil aliud actum est, quam ut pudor hominibus peccandi demeretur,  si tales deos credidissent. Sed quamquam ista me nihil laedant, vestra tamen vos moneo causa.

Does the examined life need a socrates bib?