The Aeneid’s Pot Brownie, Commentary on 6.420

Fragments of this lost commentary on the Aeneid were recently found near a monument to Saint Raphael. The work, dated to 420 CE, was signed only with the name “Louis.” This comment is on Book VI when Aeneas and Sibyl subdue Cerberus in the underworld. Edited by Dani Bostick

Aeneid 6.419-22

Seeing Cerberus’ neck bristling with snakes,
the priestess tosses him a treat laced with honey
and medicated grains. Opening his three throats,
rabid with hunger, he scarfs down what she tossed, and
his huge backs relax as he falls to the ground, spread
out across the entire cave.

Cui vātēs horrēre vidēns iam colla colubrīs
melle sopōrātam et medicātīs frūgibus offam 420
obicit. Ille famē rabidā tria guttura pandēns
corripit obiectam, atque immānia terga resolvit
fūsus humī tōtōque ingēns extenditur antrō.

6.420  she tosses a treat laced with honey and medicated grains

Here “treat” is a pot brownie. 420 is an extraordinary number. If one were to sail from Carthage to Alba Longa with a stop in Sicily, the journey would be 420 miles. Here, however, is not the number 420. You see, 4 is April, the fourth month of the year, and 20 is the twentieth day of the month (the 12th day before the Kalends).  On this day, almost everyone enjoys cannabis.

Ovid once wrote, “Caesar, in April you have something which might take control of you” (Fasti 4.20). He added, “Aeneas, manifest piety, carried through fire sacred things and his father on his shoulders, other sacred things.” Ovid is telling us that Aeneas imported cannabis, “sacred things,” into Italy as a trafficker of drugs. We also know that oracles use such drugs frequently.

For these reasons, the treat consumed by Cerberus was not full of opiates, but rather cannabis. Since the treat was not only drugged with honey, but with “medicated grains,” which we call “cannabis,” Cerberus immediately passes out when he eats it. When men consume cannabis, some lose their minds and rage in reefer madness, others, calm as stones, rest on the sofa and, eager for food, satisfy their hunger with snacks.

 

6.420  melle soporatam et medicatis frugibus offam

Hic “offam” est crustulum cannabis.

420 est numerus extraordinarius. Si quis, commoratus in Sicilia, a Karthagine ad Albam Longam navigaret, iter CDXX milium passuum esset. Hic tamen non est CDXX, sed numerus diei. Nam IV est Mensis Aprilis, quarta mensis anni; XX est vicesima dies mensis, a.d. XII Kal.  Ea die paene omnes cannibi fruuntur.

Ovidius olim scripsit: “Caesar, in Aprili, quo tenearis, habes” (4.20). addidit, “Aeneas, pietas spectata, per ignes sacra patremque humeris, altera sacra, tulit.” nobis dicit Aenean cannabim, “sacra,” in Italiam mercatorem medicamentorum portavisse. Scimus etiam vates medicamentis saepe fruari.

Quibus de causis, offa a Cerbero comesta non est plena papaverum, sed cannabis. Cum offa non modo melle, sed etiam “medicatis frugibus,” quas “cannabim” vocamus, soporata esset, Cerberus ea comesta subito obdormivit. Cum homines cannabim consumunt, alii furibundi insania cautum furiant, alii placati velut lapides in toro conquiescunt avidique cibi latrantem stomachum cenulis leniunt.  

 

Marginalia:

Vide: Hesychius, s.v. kannabis

Kannabis: A Skythian herb for burning which has the kind of power that it completely dries out anything subject to it. It is a plant similar to linen from which Thracians make ropes (Cf. Herodotus 4.74.)

κάνναβις· Σκυθικὸν θυμίαμα, ὃ τοιαύτην ἔχει δύναμιν, ὥστε ἐξικμάζειν πάντα τὸν παρεστῶτα. ἔστι δὲ φυτόν τι λίνῳ ὅμοιον, ἐξ οὗ αἱ Θρᾷσσαι ἱμάτια ποιοῦσιν. ῾Ηρόδοτος (4,74)

“Kannabisthênai: to extract and burn cannabis.”

κανναβισθῆναι· πρὸς τὴν κάνναβιν ἐξιδρῶσαι καὶ πυριασθῆναι

N.B. This discovery may have been satirical. The Hesychius is real.

 

 

Newly Discovered Text: De Praefecto Petro (About Mayor Pete)

The following text of unknown authorship was recovered along with new fragments of Caesar’s lost Bellum Incivile and several pamphlets on ancient Roman fashion and etiquette.

De Praefecto Petro. Edited by Dani Bostick

As dawn rose, a young man of remarkable piety came down from heaven onto the gloomy earth for the sake of saving the republic. Since his name could not be pronounced by any mortal, he was called Mayor Pete. It was such a great miracle that some believed that he was not just similar to a god, but that he was an actual god; others believed that the 44th president had adopted him as his white son.

Many wonders and signs declared his divinity. His spouse, whose name was Mayor Pete’s Husband, was a teacher of the highest character whom students loved and respected as an example to emulate;* he was a faithful friend to two dogs, Buddy and Truman; he knew 17 languages which, they said, he was able to speak perfectly inside of a year whenever he wanted to help refugees, read a book in another language, or make a friend from another country; he also knew by heart the names of all the people who lived in the republic; and, he glows with a golden light as he helps the less fortunate. For these reasons everyone began to worship and venerate him as they begged the gods, “Do not prevent this man from rescuing our world in chaos.”

Aurora surgente egregius pietate iuvenis de caelo ad tenebrosam terram rei publicae servandae causa venit. Cum eius nomen a nullis mortalibus enuntiari possit, Praefectus Petrus appellabatur. Tantum miraculum erat ut alii Praefectum Petrum non modo similem deo sed deum ipsum, alii quadragesimum quartum consulem filium candidum adoptavisse crederent.

Multa prodigia et signa divinitatem declaraverunt. Eius coniunx, Maritus Praefecti Petri nomine, erat magister* summae virtutis quem exemplo ad imitandum suppeditato discipuli amabant verebanturque; fidus sodalis duorum canum Amici et Veritatis erat; dicebant septendecim linguas scire quas intra annum optime loqui posset cum aut auxilio profugis esse aut externi scriptoris libellum legere aut ad amicitiam peregrinorum se conferre vellet; nomina etiam omnium rei publicae civium memoria tenebat; miseris subveniens aurea in luce refulsit. Quibus de causis eum colere et venerari coeperunt omnes orantes deos, “hunc saltem everso iuvenem succurrere saeclo ne prohibete.”

*It is thought that Quintilian wrote his treatise on education after reading notes taken during a classroom observation of Mayor Pete’s Husband.

De Oniferibus, On Cargo Shorts

This leaflet was found in the pocket of an article of clothing thought to be worn by Julius Caesar in his leisure time. The garment was discovered centuries ago, but its numerous pockets weren’t completely emptied until recently. It is thought the author could be an associate of the person who wrote De Imaginibus Verendorum. Edited by Dani Bostick.

Once they have children, men consider whether it is proper to set aside the toga and wear a new kind of clothing. This kind of clothing is called “cargo shorts” because they can carry much cargo. I wrote this little pamphlet so that you might understand everything about them.

Although the gods give men two hands, men desire eight hands so that they can carry as many things as possible. Driven by an insatiable desire to carry everything, a clever man once invented cargo shorts, when, having set aside concern for aesthetics, he attached as many pockets as possible to shapeless shorts. In this way, he made an unfashionable type of clothing even more unfashionable. But because of the pockets, cargo shorts are as useful as they are unattractive. For with his hands free, he was able to carry many things more easily.

Now I will answer all of your questions:

What kinds of things can be kept in the pockets? Keys, change, tissues, business cards, medicine, knives, wallets, pens, writing pads, snacks, bottles of beer, puppies– amazing to say!

Can’t maps be kept in cargo shorts? No! You see, a man who wears cargo shorts always knows where he is and how to get to every place.

Can’t feminine property be kept in cargo shorts? When a wife asks her husband to hold on to feminine things, the man responds to her either that he does not have enough pockets or that all of the pockets are already full of other things, even if his pockets are completely empty.

Do they come in Tyrian purple? That is a violation of divine law! They can only be the color of dirt or stone.

Can’t they be made to fit properly? No! As it is said: Function over form! A comfortable body through shapeless clothes! Covering only part of the knee! Always socks with sandals!

Is that a javelin in your pocket? No! I am just happy to see you.*

Filiis natis viri num togam deponere ac novum vestimenti genus induere fas sit considerant. Hoc genus vestimenti “oniferes” appellatur quod multa onera ferre possunt. Hunc libellum scripsi ut vos omnia de oniferibus intelligeretis.

Quamquam di viris duas manus dent, viri octo manus cupiunt ut quam plurimas res secum ferant. Olim insatiabili omnium portandorum cupiditate commotus vir astutus oniferes machinatus est cum curis venustatis depositis bracis informis quam plurimos sacculos applicavit. Ad hunc modum illepidum vestimentum illepidius fecit sed propter sacculos oniferes tam utiles quam illepidi sunt. Nam manibus expeditis multa facilius ferre poterat. Nunc mihi respondendum ad omnia: 

Quales res in sacculis teneri possunt? Claves, sestertios, sudaria, tesseras salutrices, medicamenta, cultros, sacculos minores, stilos, tabulas, cenulas, ampullas cervisiae, catulos– mirum dictu!

Nonne tabulae geographicae in oniferibus teneri possunt? Minime! Nam vir oniferes gerens semper scit ubi sit atque quibus viis ad omnes locos advenire possit.

Nonne res muliebres in oniferibus tenentur? Cum uxor virum rogat ut res muliebres teneat, vir ei respondet aut satis sacculorum sibi deesse aut omnes sacculos iam crebros aliis rebus esse, etsi sacculi pleni araneorum sunt.

Murice tingi possunt? Nefas est! Oniferes colorem aut humi aut lapidis habent.

Nonne apte caedi possunt?  Minime! Ut dicitur: fungi quam ornare! Corpus commodum per vestem informam! partem genus modo tegere! Semper socci soleaeque!

Estne tibi pilum in sacculo? Minime! Ego modo te videre gaudeo.*

*This last question was written in a different style of handwriting.

** This piece is satire.

Medieval pants

 

The Lost De Imaginibus Verendorum

A pamphlet was recently discovered along with the fragments of Bellum Incivile, a text tentatively attributed to Caesar. De Imaginibus Verendorum was almost certainly not written by Caesar, but was very possibly distributed to his troops.* Edited by Dani Bostick

“All people arrive into the world nude on the day of their birth, but many men as adults want to show off their unclothed private parts very often. They have a frightful custom of making images of their private parts, which can also be called dick pics, penis pictures, and members at mast, and sending them to women. These men are very different with respect to dignity and virtue from men who are in the habit of keeping their private parts covered unless someone says she wants to see them.

When the eyes of women are too far away or when there is a concern about breaking the law– for it is not OK to expose bystanders to penises when you are outside– inflamed by a desire to show his private parts, a man of this kind creates an image of them, which you would believe to be real, but would not in any way want to look at. He marvels at this, but it is not enough for him to see it. Even if women have already said they do not want to see any private parts, he thinks the image must be seen by as many women as possible.

For this reason the man sends this image to one woman, then to two women, then to five; then to another ten. “Careful,” he says to himself as he sends the picture through the ether. “Don’t send it to your mom or sisters by accident.” In this way, he believes he is operating with restraint and modesty.

At last, many women see the image of the private parts and seeing it, they are horrified, but the man, proud of his private parts and the picture of them, happily awaits the replies of the women. “How lucky these women are! How beautiful are my private parts!” But the women do not respond.

Although he is happy with himself, he lacks friends and dignity, but he does not want to change because he thinks he is the best.  Catullus once said, “Each of us has a flaw, but we cannot see what is in our own backpacks.”  

I will make this very clear to you. It is the greatest flaw to send pictures of your private parts to women who absolutely do not want to see them.

Men, having read these words, may you recognize this flaw and stop it!

Homines die natali nudi nati sunt, sed multi viri adulti verenda exerta saepissime ostendere volunt. His mos terribilis est imagines verendorum, quae appellari etiam pictura passeris, simulacrum siculae, vincens verpa possunt, facere ac ad feminas mittere.  Hi sunt dignitate et virtute disimiles viris qui verenda operire solent, nisi quis ea videre velle dicat.

Vir huius generis cum aut oculi feminarum longius absit aut leges violare timeat– nam verendis foris circumstantes obiecere est nefas– inflammato verendorum ostendendorum cupidine imaginem, quam vivere credas, sed haud spectare velis, facit. miratur, sed non est satis eam videre. etiamsi feminae se verenda videre nolle iam dixerunt, imaginem quam plurimis feminis videndam existimat.

Qua de causa vir hanc imaginem ad unam feminam mittit; deinde ad duas feminas; deinde ad quinque; dein ad decem alteras. “Cave,” mittenti per caelum imaginem sibi ait. “Noli ad matrem aut ad sorores peperam mittere.” ad hunc modum se caute et pudenter agere credit.

Tandem multae feminae imaginem verendam vident et videntes horrescunt; verum vir suis verendis ac imagine eorum superbiens responsa feminarum laete expectat. “Quam beatae hae feminae! Quam pulchra mea verenda!”  sed feminae nihil respondent.

quamvis se ipso contentus sit, amicae dignitasque ei desunt, sed mutari non vult, quia se optimum esse credit.  “Suus cuique attributus est error,” scripsit Catullus. “sed non videmus manticae quod in tergo est.”

Hoc vobis manifestissimum faciam. Est maximus error imagines verendorum ad feminas, quae ea videre minime velint, mittere.  

Viri, his verbis acceptis, videatis errorem et desinatis!

 

Caesar

[*N.B. This is satire. This Latin is not from antiquity]

Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Associate Procures Pictures of Private Parts

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

C. Julius Caesar (?), Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick

6.3 Whenever Manicula found himself in the midst of scandal, money was often paid by his associate D. Pecker to buy off accusations. For even prior to his nefarious consulship, Manicula had associated with people of such a kind and conducted his business in such a way that many reports of his offences and delinquency became widespread. For this reason, D. Pecker made many payments to conceal Manicula’s misdeeds. It is said that evidence of them is kept under lock and key.

6.3 Cum contumelia in Maniculam iaceretur, pecunia ne accusaretur saepe a comite D. Vellicatore data est. Nam etiam ante nefarium consulatum cum talibus hominibus vixerat negotiaque ita transegerat Manicula ut multae famae de eius delictis ac peccatis dispergerentur. Qua de causa D. Vellicator multam pecuniam qua scelera eius celarentur pendebat. Quorum testimonia scripta ac alia indicia sub clavi servari dicitur.

6.8 After D. Pecker obtained images of the intimate regions of a wealthy man named J. Bezos, who made his fortune doing business in the cloud, he threatened to publish them in order to silence Bezos who had discovered information unfavorable to Pecker’s company.  It ended up, however, that D. Pecker’s plan seemed more shameful than the images themselves.

6.8 Imagines verendorum locupletis J. Bezi, qui negotiando in caelo maximam pecuniam lucrifecit, adeptus, D. Vellicator minabatur se imagines verandorum volgo elaturum apertissimeque ostenturum ut J. Bezum certiorem de suae societatis probris factum comprimeret. Effecit tamen ut consilium D. Vellicatoris foedius imaginibus ipsis videretur.

slave

 

 

Quomodo Dicitur “State of the Union Address”?

The amazing Dani Bostick (@danibostick) live tweeted the State of the Union Address tonight in Latin. For those off twitter (or off TV), here are her tweets.

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092967939093872640

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092969038077030405

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092969971125182464

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092971101674557440

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092971783354007552

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092972357688410113

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092973373267808258

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092974682675048458

 

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092975444041842688

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092976446631485440

 

https://twitter.com/danibostick/status/1092977630306070528

Continue reading “Quomodo Dicitur “State of the Union Address”?”

The State of Our Union, In Latin

Tonight we will witness the annual political theater of the President’s State of the Union address. It will be charged and probably traumatizing. But, never fear, the inimitable Dani Bostick has promised to provided commentary in Latin from her twitter account (.@danibostick). Look for the hashtag #LatinSOTU.

In honor of her personal sacrifice, here are some of her #FakeLatin for #RealNews posts  chronicling the rise of the mysterious Manicula from the past few months.

Caesar on Forestry in Finland

C. Julius Caesar (?), De Silvis. Edited by Dani Bostick.

1.3 The best part of Gaul is Finland which is inhabited by the most intelligent citizens of all because they most often rake leaves and keep four rakes under every tree. For this reason the Finnish people also surpass everybody in safety, because almost every day they clean their forest with these rakes either when leaves fall from trees or when there is dirt of another kind.

1.3 Optima pars Galliae est Finlandia quam cives intellegentissimi omnium colunt propterea quod saepissimeque folias conradunt atque quattuor pectines sub omni arbore ponunt. Qua de causa Finlandi quoque omnes sapientia praecedunt, quod fere cotidie pectinibus silvas purgant, cum aut foliae ex arboribus cadunt aut illuvies alterius generis est.

1.4 This technique is thought to have originated in Canada, where there are many forests, and brought to Finland, but now those who want to learn more about it do not go there for the sake of learning about it. You see, the entire nation of the Finnish people is extremely devoted to learning and on that account foreign teachers come to Finland so that they might learn to teach well, but they never ask how to keep forests clean on account of their stupidity.

1.4 Haec disciplina in Canada reperta atque in Finlandiam translata esse existimatur, sed nunc, qui diligentius eam rem cognoscere volunt, plerumque illo discendi causa non proficiscuntur. Nam natio est omnis Finlandorum admodum dedita eruditioni, atque ob eam causam barbari magistri veniunt ut bene docere discant, sed ob stultitiam quomodo silvae purgentur numquam rogant.

 

Caesar on Education in Finland

C. Julius Caesar (?), De Silvis. Edited by Dani Bostick.

1.5 In Finland schools are very different from prisons and for this reason seem rather unusual to foreigners. It is permitted to walk and play outside rather often so that teachers, who are considered to be almost gods and receive the greatest honor among their people, can keep students in a happy state of mind. When students learn, their bodies are calm not because they fear punishment or are asleep but because they delight in knowledge. They enjoy excellent lunches consisting of small fish, sausages, cheese, and fruit so that bad nutrition does not diminish their strength and enthusiasm. And none of this originates in factories far away, but in neighboring gardens and fields. The state prepares for slaughter in schools in proportion to the danger of this possibility; since there is no danger of this type of situation, they have nothing to prepare for. This is the greatest glory to Finland.

1.5 In Finlandia scholae dissimillimae carceribus atque ob eam causam inusitatioresque barbaris sunt. licet in locis apertis saepius errare ludereque ut magistri, qui paene deorum habentur loco maximamque inter suos ferunt laudem, animi felicitate discipulos contineant. Cum hi docent, corpora eorum neque timore poenarum neque somnio, sed delectationibus scientiae immota sunt. gustant prandia optima, quae in pisculis et tomaculis et caseo et pomis consistunt, ne malus victus vires studiumque diminuat. nec quicquam in remota fabrica, sed in hortis et agris vicinis nascitur. Civitas pro magnitudine periculi caedem in scholis parat. Quoniam nullum periculum caedis est, nihil parandum est. Finlandiae maxima laus est.

1.6 The leader of Finland can read and understands everything easily even without pictures. When he hears gossip or a rumor, he does not communicate it publicly because it has been discovered that fearful and ignorant people are scared by rumors and sometimes believe false words. The leader avoids driving his citizens to greater madness and conveys the truth to the people. For in Finland they do not think it is appropriate to deceive or manipulate with deceitful lies. For this reason the leader of Finland is held in high regard not only at home home but also among all nations.

1.6 Dux Finlandiae legere potest omniaque etiam sine picturis faciliter intellegit. Cum rumorem aut famam accepit, publice non communicat, quod saepe homines temerarios atque imperitos falsis rumoribus terreri et falsis verbis interdum credere cognitum est. Itaque dux cives ad maiorem amentiam impellere vitans veritatem multitudini prodit. Nam in Finlandia nefas esse existimatur subdolis mendaciis fallere aut inducere. Qua de causa dux Finlandiae non solum domi sed etiam apud omnes nationes honore largiter habetur.

 

Bellum Incivile, The Unlikely candidate

C. Julius Caesar (?), Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick

1.30 Although he had five draft deferments, did not pay taxes along with everyone else, had nothing to do with politics, and had no skill in public speaking, Manicula sought the consulship, but not out of a desire to serve the people nor out of enthusiasm for his political party.

For which reason his associates Michael Cohen, Ivanka, Don Jr., Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, George Papadopoulus, Carter Page, Roger Stone, and Rick Gates, driven by the hope of influence and rewards, started communicating with Russians that Manicula had hoped for a long time to build opulent housing in their country and that he was seeking the enemy’s help so that he could be elected consul.

Manicula and his associates were completely incapable of reading Cicero’s orations, but they believed his words: “There are no plots more undetectable than those carried out under the guise of public duty or in the name of some sort of obligation. For you can easily avoid a known enemy by being cautious; to contrast, a hidden and deep-seated domestic threat not only exists, but actually crushes you before you can detect it and learn more about it.”* Because of this, they all thought they were able to avoid suspicion.

1.30 Manicula cum militiae quinque vacationes haberet neque tributa una cum reliquis penderet neque forum attingeret neque ullam dicendi facultatem haberet, tamen consulatum petivit, sed neque cupiditate serviendi populi neque studio partium adficiebatur.

Qua de causa eius comites M. Coenus et Ivanca et Donaldellus et P. Virfortus et M. Flinnus et G. Papadus et P. Cartus et R. Lapis et R. Porta spe auctoritatis atque munerum inducti cum legatis Sarmatiae loqui coeperant: Maniculam se aulam auream in Sarmatiae finibus aedificaturum diu speravisse et auxilium hostium quo consul nuntiaretur petere.

Manicula comitesque orationes Ciceronis legere haudquaquam poterant, sed crederunt eius verbis: “Nullae sunt occultiores insidiae quam eae quae latent in simulatione offici aut in aliquo necessitudinis nomine. Nam eum qui palam est adversarius facile cavendo vitare possis; hoc vero occultum intestinum ac domesticum malum non modo non exsistit, verum etiam opprimit antequam prospicere atque explorare potueris.” Ob eam causam omnes sese suspicionem vitare posse arbitrabantur.

 

*Cicero, Verrine Oration 2.39

 

More:

Bellum Incivile: Manicula and the Puppet Master

Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Speech to the Nation

Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Obsession with the Wall

Bellum Incivile: Manicula Can’t Stop Tweeting

Bellum Incivile: Government Shutdown Over the Wall

Bellum Incivile: The Loyal Fixer

Bellum Incivile: Ryan Zinke Profits From His Position

Bellum Incivile: The Candidi Assemble

Image result for medieval manuscript town crier
Book Of Hours, Medieval Manuscript, Vanitas, Memento Mori, British Library, Skull

Bellum Incivile: The Unlikely Candidate

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.

C. Julius Caesar (?), Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick

1.30 Although he had five draft deferments, did not pay taxes along with everyone else, had nothing to do with politics, and had no skill in public speaking, Manicula sought the consulship, but not out of a desire to serve the people nor out of enthusiasm for his political party.

For which reason his associates Michael Cohen, Ivanka, Don Jr., Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, George Papadopoulus, Carter Page, Roger Stone, and Rick Gates, driven by the hope of influence and rewards, started communicating with Russians that Manicula had hoped for a long time to build opulent housing in their country and that he was seeking the enemy’s help so that he could be elected consul.

Manicula and his associates were completely incapable of reading Cicero’s orations, but they believed his words: “There are no plots more undetectable than those carried out under the guise of public duty or in the name of some sort of obligation. For you can easily avoid a known enemy by being cautious; to contrast, a hidden and deep-seated domestic threat not only exists, but actually crushes you before you can detect it and learn more about it.”* Because of this, they all thought they were able to avoid suspicion.

1.30 Manicula cum militiae quinque vacationes haberet neque tributa una cum reliquis penderet neque forum attingeret neque ullam dicendi facultatem haberet, tamen consulatum petivit, sed neque cupiditate serviendi populi neque studio partium adficiebatur.

Qua de causa eius comites M. Coenus et Ivanca et Donaldellus et P. Virfortus et M. Flinnus et G. Papadus et P. Cartus et R. Lapis et R. Porta spe auctoritatis atque munerum inducti cum legatis Sarmatiae loqui coeperant: Maniculam se aulam auream in Sarmatiae finibus aedificaturum diu speravisse et auxilium hostium quo consul nuntiaretur petere.

Manicula comitesque orationes Ciceronis legere haudquaquam poterant, sed crederunt eius verbis: “Nullae sunt occultiores insidiae quam eae quae latent in simulatione offici aut in aliquo necessitudinis nomine. Nam eum qui palam est adversarius facile cavendo vitare possis; hoc vero occultum intestinum ac domesticum malum non modo non exsistit, verum etiam opprimit antequam prospicere atque explorare potueris.” Ob eam causam omnes sese suspicionem vitare posse arbitrabantur.

 

*Cicero, Verrine Oration 2.39

frog

Bellum Incivile: Manicula and the Puppet Master

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick.

9.32  An investigation was opened into Manicula because they thought he was working against the republic as an agent of an enemy nation. It was known that Manicula was meeting secretly with Puppet Master, the leader of Russia, who was taking advantage of Manicula’s extreme ignorance and immorality for the benefit of his own kingdom and believed everything was for sale in the republic because of Manicula’s greed. For this reason, they did not yet know what plans Manicula had made; how Puppet Master had brought it about that Manicula would act in the interests of the kingdom of Russia rather than in the interests of his homeland; and, whether Puppet Master had actually taken control of our nation.

9.32 De Manicula quaestionem habent propterea quod hunc ministrum hostium contra rem publicam facere existimabant. Maniculam cum Pupuli Ero, Sarmatiae imperatore, qui eius summam ignorantiam ac animi foeditatem regno suo haberet omniaque venalia propter eius avaritiam in re publica esse credidit, clam loqui cognitum est. Qua de causa nondum intellexerunt quae consilia Manicula cepisset, quomodo P. Erus effecisset ut Manicula regno Samaritiae quam suae patriae consuleret, num vero P. Erus imperium nostrae civitatis obtinuisset. 

 

Tacitus’ Lost Book: de Manicula

Readers have previously been treated to recently discovered lost texts of Caesar’s Bellum Incivile. We have also recently unearthed a lost appendix to Tacitus’ Annals, translated here for the first time:

“At first, presidents managed the state; gradually, the power of the people was reduced; the domination of Reagan and Bush were not intolerable, and the power of Bush was quickly transferred to Obama. While the state was prosperous, savagery and cowardice invaded minds, and people we contending among each other in their hatred. When Obama had discharged his office, there was no probity, no leader left, but all things were handed into the tiny hands of Manicula who, simulating the president was acting the dictator, was goading everyone on with hatred, and was appropriating for himself the powers of the senate, the magistrates, and the laws with many opposing him in vain. The more prone one was to stupidity, the more he was raised up with honors. Virtue, intelligence, and industry were considered malice. Many, with their hatred turned on other people, were urging Manicula to built a wall, eliminate justice, elevate drunkards to the highest court, and devastate the earth. His first crime was quickly turned into the second, third, fourth… Manicula himself, as his fortune continued to plummet, was conducting himself all the more savagely and promised that he would leave nothing but the ash of a once great nation if all the power of perpetrating evil were not placed in his hands. And so, liberty was lost as many people assisted Manicula.”

Primo civitatem praesidentes habuere; gradatim potestas populi minuta est; non Regani, non Fruticis intolerabilis dominatio, et potentia Fruticis cito in Obamam versa est. florentibus rebus saevitia ignaviaque in animos invasit, et homines inter se odiis decertabant. cum Obama imperio defunctus esset nulla probitas nullusque dux reliquus sed omnia in parvas manus Maniculae tradita sunt qui se praesidentem ferens dictaturam agebat, cunctos odio incitabat, munia senatus magistratuum legum in se trahebat multis frustra adversantibus. quanto quis stultitia promptior honoribus extolleretur. virtus prudentia industria pro malitia habita. multi iam odio in alios verso Maniculam urgebant ut muros aedificaret iustitiam deleret ebrios ad summum tribunal extolleret orbem terrarum vastaret. primum facinus statim in secundum tertium quartum versum. Manicula ipse fortuna in peius cadente eo ferocius se agebat et saepe promisit se nihil praeter cinerem e quondam magna civitate relicturum esse nisi omnis potestas male agendi in se poneretur. ita libertate amissa plerisque Maniculam adiuvantibus.

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