Are You Awkward Or Do You Just Have Bad Taste?

Theophrastus, Characters: Bad Taste

“Bad taste, to give a simple definition, is a kind of action which causes grief but not harm. A person with bad taste is the kind…

Who barges in and wakes someone who is sleeping just to chat;

Or who slows people down when they are about to leave;

Or he demands someone waits before they take a walk

Or, when he takes a baby from his nurse, chews his food himself, coos and makes baby-sounds, saying, “you’re more wicked than your father”

Or, while he eats, relates that he’s all cleaned out inside because he drank some hellebore and that his bile was darker than the food on their plates.

Or he is likely to ask in front of the whole household, “Tell me, momma, what day was it when you went into labor and had me?

Or, he talks about how sweet she is and complains that it is not easy to find someone to have both of them.

Or, he has a cold water cistern in his home and a garden with many vegetables, and he has a cook who prepares dishes and his house is like a hotel, since it is always full and his friends are like a vase full of holes since he is never able to fill them even trying hard.

When he is entertaining he demonstrates to his guest what kind of a person his toady is. Over drinks he challenges him by saying, “The pleasure has been prepared for the guests” and then, when they ask, “The servant will go and get her now from the pimp so she can play the flute until we’re happy.”

(1) ἔστι δὲ ἡ ἀηδία, ὡς ὅρῳ περιλαβεῖν, ἔντευξις λύπης ποιητικὴ ἄνευ βλάβης, ὁ δὲ ἀηδὴς τοιοῦτός τις,
(2) οἷος ἐγείρειν ἄρτι καθεύδοντα εἰσελθών, ἵνα αὐτῷ λαλῇ.
(3) καὶ ἀνάγεσθαι δὴ μέλλοντας κωλύειν,
(4) καὶ προσελθὼν δεῖσθαι ἐπισχεῖν, ἕως ἂν περιπατήσῃ.
(5) καὶ τὸ παιδίον τῆς τίτθης ἀφελόμενος, μασώμενος σιτίζειν αὐτὸς καὶ ὑποκορίζεσθαι ποππύζων καὶ πανουργότερον τοῦ πάππου καλῶν.
(6) καὶ ἐσθίων δὲ ἅμα διηγεῖσθαι ὡς ἐλλέβορον πιὼν ἄνω καὶ κάτω καθαρθείη καὶ ζωμοῦ τοῦ παρακειμένου ἐν τοῖς ὑποχωρήμασιν αὑτῷ μελαντέρα <εἴη> ἡ χολή.
(7) καὶ ἐρωτῆσαι δὲ δεινὸς ἐναντίον τῶν οἰκείων· “εἴπ᾿, ὦ μάμμη, ὅτ᾿ ὤδινες καὶ ἔτικτές με, τίς ἡμέρα;”
(8) †καὶ ὑπὲρ αὐτῆς δὲ λέγειν ὡς ἡδύ ἐστι, καὶ ἀμφότερα δὲ οὐκ ἔχοντα οὐ ῥᾴδιον ἄνθρωπον λαβεῖν,†
(9) καὶ ὅτι ψυχρὸν ὕδωρ ἐστὶ παρ᾿ αὐτῷ λακκαῖον, καὶ ὡς κῆπος λάχανα πολλὰ ἔχων καὶ ἁπαλὰ [ὥστε εἶναι ψυχρὸν] καὶ μάγειρος εὖ τὸ ὄψον σκευάζων, καὶ ὅτι ἡ οἰκία αὐτοῦ πανδοκεῖόν ἐστι· μεστὴ γὰρ ἀεί· καὶ τοὺς φίλους αὐτοῦ εἶναι τὸν τετρημένον πίθον· εὖ ποιῶν γὰρ αὐτοὺς οὐ δύνασθαι ἐμπλῆσαι.

(10) καὶ ξενίζων δὲ δεῖξαι τὸν παράσιτον αὑτοῦ ποῖός τίς ἐστι τῷ συνδειπνοῦντι· καὶ παρακαλῶν δὲ ἐπὶ τοῦ ποτηρίου εἰπεῖν, ὅτι “τὸ τέρψον τοὺς παρόντας παρεσκεύασται,” καὶ ὅτι “αὐτήν,” ἐὰν κελεύσωσιν, “ὁ παῖς μέτεισι παρὰ τοῦ πορνοβοσκοῦ ἤδη, ὅπως πάντες ὑπ᾿ αὐτῆς αὐλώμεθα καὶ εὐφραινώμεθα.”

Image result for muppet with bad taste
If you don’t know Peter Jackson’s Meet the Feebles, well, you’re probably just fine. But, still.

Image result for muppet with bad taste

6 thoughts on “Are You Awkward Or Do You Just Have Bad Taste?

  1. Bad taste? Some of these are beyond bad taste. What functioning adult says “Oh wow! My shit was darker than that!” at the table? Why would that even be on your mind?

  2. “Leah Sublime,
    Goddess above me!
    Snake of the slime
    Alostrael, love me!
    Our master, the devil
    Prospers the revel.
    Tread with your foot
    My heart til it hurt!
    Tread on it, put
    The smear of your dirt
    On my love, on my shame
    Scribble your name!
    Straddle your Beast
    My Masterful Bitch
    With the thighs of you greased
    With the Sweat of your Itch!
    Spit on me, scarlet
    Mouth of my harlot!
    Now from your wide
    Raw cunt, the abyss,
    Spend spouting the tide
    Of your sizzling piss
    In my mouth; oh my Whore
    Let it pour, let it pour!
    You stale like a mare
    And fart as you stale;
    Through straggled wet hair
    You spout like a whale.
    Splash the manure
    And piss from the sewer.
    Down to me quick
    With your tooth on my lip
    And your hand on my prick
    With feverish grip
    My life as it drinks—
    How your breath stinks!
    Your hand, oh unclean
    Your hand that has wasted
    Your love, in obscene
    Black masses, that tasted
    Your soul, it’s your hand!
    Feel my prick stand!
    Your life times from lewd
    Little girl, to mature
    Worn whore that has chewed
    Your own pile of manure.
    Your hand was the key to—
    And now your frig me, too!
    Rub all the much
    Of your cunt on me, Leah
    Cunt, let me suck
    All your glued gonorrhea!
    Cunt without end!
    Amen! til you spend!
    Cunt! you have harboured
    All dirt and disease
    In your slimy unbarbered
    Loose hole, with its cheese
    And its monthlies, and pox
    You chewer of cocks!
    Cunt, you have sucked
    Up pricks, you squirted
    Out foetuses, fucked
    Til bastards you blurted
    Out into space—
    Spend on my face!
    Rub all your gleet away!
    Envenom the arrow.
    May your pox eat away
    Me to the marrow.
    Cunt you have got me;
    I love you to rot me!
    Spend again, lash me!
    Leah, one spasm
    Scream to splash me.
    Slime of the chasm
    Choke me with spilth
    Of your sow-belly’s filth.
    Stab your demoniac
    Smile to my brain!
    Soak me in cognac
    Cunt and cocaine;
    Sprawl on me! Sit
    On my mouth, Leah, shit!
    Shit on me, slut!
    Creamy the curds
    That drip from your gut!
    Greasy the turds!
    Dribble your dung
    On the tip of my tongue!
    Churn on me, Leah!
    Twist on your thighs!
    Smear diarrhoea
    Into my eyes!
    Splutter out shit
    From the bottemless pit.
    Turn to me, chew it
    With me, Leah, whore!
    Vomit it, spew it
    And lick it once more.
    We can make lust
    Drunk on disgust.
    Splay out your gut,
    Your ass hole, my lover!
    You buggering slut,
    I know where to shove her!
    There she goes, plumb
    Up the foul Bitch’s bum!
    Sackful of skin
    And bone, as I speak
    I’ll bugger your grin
    Into a shriek.
    Bugger you, slut
    Bugger your gut!
    Wriggle, you hog!
    Wrench at the pin!
    Wrench at it, drag
    It half out, suck it in!
    Scream, you hog dirt, you!
    I want it to hurt you!…”

Leave a Reply