Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Associate Procures Pictures of Private Parts

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

C. Julius Caesar (?), Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick

6.3 Whenever Manicula found himself in the midst of scandal, money was often paid by his associate D. Pecker to buy off accusations. For even prior to his nefarious consulship, Manicula had associated with people of such a kind and conducted his business in such a way that many reports of his offences and delinquency became widespread. For this reason, D. Pecker made many payments to conceal Manicula’s misdeeds. It is said that evidence of them is kept under lock and key.

6.3 Cum contumelia in Maniculam iaceretur, pecunia ne accusaretur saepe a comite D. Vellicatore data est. Nam etiam ante nefarium consulatum cum talibus hominibus vixerat negotiaque ita transegerat Manicula ut multae famae de eius delictis ac peccatis dispergerentur. Qua de causa D. Vellicator multam pecuniam qua scelera eius celarentur pendebat. Quorum testimonia scripta ac alia indicia sub clavi servari dicitur.

6.8 After D. Pecker obtained images of the intimate regions of a wealthy man named J. Bezos, who made his fortune doing business in the cloud, he threatened to publish them in order to silence Bezos who had discovered information unfavorable to Pecker’s company.  It ended up, however, that D. Pecker’s plan seemed more shameful than the images themselves.

6.8 Imagines verendorum locupletis J. Bezi, qui negotiando in caelo maximam pecuniam lucrifecit, adeptus, D. Vellicator minabatur se imagines verandorum volgo elaturum apertissimeque ostenturum ut J. Bezum certiorem de suae societatis probris factum comprimeret. Effecit tamen ut consilium D. Vellicatoris foedius imaginibus ipsis videretur.

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Bellum Incivile: The Unlikely Candidate

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.

C. Julius Caesar (?), Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick

1.30 Although he had five draft deferments, did not pay taxes along with everyone else, had nothing to do with politics, and had no skill in public speaking, Manicula sought the consulship, but not out of a desire to serve the people nor out of enthusiasm for his political party.

For which reason his associates Michael Cohen, Ivanka, Don Jr., Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, George Papadopoulus, Carter Page, Roger Stone, and Rick Gates, driven by the hope of influence and rewards, started communicating with Russians that Manicula had hoped for a long time to build opulent housing in their country and that he was seeking the enemy’s help so that he could be elected consul.

Manicula and his associates were completely incapable of reading Cicero’s orations, but they believed his words: “There are no plots more undetectable than those carried out under the guise of public duty or in the name of some sort of obligation. For you can easily avoid a known enemy by being cautious; to contrast, a hidden and deep-seated domestic threat not only exists, but actually crushes you before you can detect it and learn more about it.”* Because of this, they all thought they were able to avoid suspicion.

1.30 Manicula cum militiae quinque vacationes haberet neque tributa una cum reliquis penderet neque forum attingeret neque ullam dicendi facultatem haberet, tamen consulatum petivit, sed neque cupiditate serviendi populi neque studio partium adficiebatur.

Qua de causa eius comites M. Coenus et Ivanca et Donaldellus et P. Virfortus et M. Flinnus et G. Papadus et P. Cartus et R. Lapis et R. Porta spe auctoritatis atque munerum inducti cum legatis Sarmatiae loqui coeperant: Maniculam se aulam auream in Sarmatiae finibus aedificaturum diu speravisse et auxilium hostium quo consul nuntiaretur petere.

Manicula comitesque orationes Ciceronis legere haudquaquam poterant, sed crederunt eius verbis: “Nullae sunt occultiores insidiae quam eae quae latent in simulatione offici aut in aliquo necessitudinis nomine. Nam eum qui palam est adversarius facile cavendo vitare possis; hoc vero occultum intestinum ac domesticum malum non modo non exsistit, verum etiam opprimit antequam prospicere atque explorare potueris.” Ob eam causam omnes sese suspicionem vitare posse arbitrabantur.

 

*Cicero, Verrine Oration 2.39

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Bellum Incivile: Manicula and the Puppet Master

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile. Edited by Dani Bostick.

9.32  An investigation was opened into Manicula because they thought he was working against the republic as an agent of an enemy nation. It was known that Manicula was meeting secretly with Puppet Master, the leader of Russia, who was taking advantage of Manicula’s extreme ignorance and immorality for the benefit of his own kingdom and believed everything was for sale in the republic because of Manicula’s greed. For this reason, they did not yet know what plans Manicula had made; how Puppet Master had brought it about that Manicula would act in the interests of the kingdom of Russia rather than in the interests of his homeland; and, whether Puppet Master had actually taken control of our nation.

9.32 De Manicula quaestionem habent propterea quod hunc ministrum hostium contra rem publicam facere existimabant. Maniculam cum Pupuli Ero, Sarmatiae imperatore, qui eius summam ignorantiam ac animi foeditatem regno suo haberet omniaque venalia propter eius avaritiam in re publica esse credidit, clam loqui cognitum est. Qua de causa nondum intellexerunt quae consilia Manicula cepisset, quomodo P. Erus effecisset ut Manicula regno Samaritiae quam suae patriae consuleret, num vero P. Erus imperium nostrae civitatis obtinuisset. 

 

Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Speech to the Nation

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

14.3 When Manicula communicated to the people, he usually read from a script because he was so unrefined and boorish in his manner of speaking. He failed to follow the rules of the language on account of his restricted vocabulary and unusual sentence structure to such a degree that his thoughts were often not intelligible and it was not possible to follow him. He would repeat all of the insults he received in all occasions from his enemies with the same exact words and he would brag about himself excessively and express contempt for others with the outcome that he made himself out to be smaller instead of greater.

He proclaimed that he was the only source of knowledge, but no stone was more stupid. Through his false words, he led the citizens to believe that an enemy was invading our territory and openly attacking the whole republic; and that he alone was able to keep the republic safe by building a wall and to liberate it from this scourge. Most people did not believe him, but when they said what they were thinking, the Republicans refused to diminish the power of Manicula, acting as if he were a normal leader.

14.3  Cum Manicula ad cives contionem haberet, scripta verba legere solebat propterea quod in dicendo tam illepidus et infacetus erat. Ob magnam verborum inopiam contextumque sermonis inusitatum dicendi regula ita non custodiebat ut sententiae saepe non intellegeruntur intentionemque prosequi non posset. Omnium temporum iniurias inimicorum eisdem verbis in se iterabat; se supra modum iactabat certerosque dispiciebat ut se minorem quam maiorem faceret.

Se solam scientiae fontem praedicebat, sed vero nullum hoc stolidius erat saxum. Cuius verbis falsis cives ad credendum duxit hostes in fines nostros incursionem facere aperteque rem publicam universam petere; se solum salutem rei publicae muro conficiendo adferre atque rem publicam peste liberare posse. Plerique ei non crediderunt, sed cum quae senserunt dicerunt, Republicani potestatem Maniculae, velut si sanus consul esset, reprimere recusaverunt.

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Bellum Incivile: Manicula’s Obsession with the Wall

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

13.7 While he was not paying citizens their salaries, Manicula began to demand a wall with loud lamentation: That a great multitude of barbarians, a danger to the country, were crossing over into the territory, as they had before, and that he must do something as quickly as possible to prevent it. Since the Republicans never disapproved of him and always enthusiastically approved of his plans, which were inane and ridiculous, Manicula continued to behave like a tyrant instead of a president. On account of this, Manicula said that previous presidents had wanted to build this wall and that he, the best president of all, would unilaterally order the army to build it. Many people from everywhere declared that Manicula was a reprobate, irrational, and brazen man and that they could not endure his rule much longer.

Meanwhile the Democrats hastened with the greatest possible marches and at last arrived at the Capitol in order to protect the entire country from the outrages of Manicula.

13.7 Dum civibus nullum stipendium numerabat, Manicula murum magno fletu imperare coepit: magnam barbarorum multitudinem periculosam patriae in fines transire, ut ante fecissent, seque his rebus quam maturrime occurrendum. Cum Republicani eum numquam reprehenderent et eius consilia, quae inania ac inridenda sunt, vehementissime comprobarent, Manicula nec consulem sed tyrannum agebat. Itaque Manicula dixit: veteres consules hunc murum conficere voluisse; se optimum consulem omnium exercitum murum ad suum arbitrium conficere iussurum. Multi undique professi sunt hominem improbum, iracundum, temerarium eiusque imperium diutius sustineri non posse.
Interim quam maximis possunt itineribus Democratici contenderunt et ad Capitolium tandem pervenerunt ut omnem patriam ab Maniculae iniuria defenderent.

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Bellum Incivile: Manicula Can’t Stop Tweeting

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely the lost Bellum Incivile.

13.5 The next day Manicula continued to send out messages publicly via Twitter:  that the children, whom he himself had put in cages because of his fear of migrants, had succumbed to their illness because of the Democrats; and that if the wall had been built, migrants would not even try to cross into the territory; why did the Democrats prefer to harass him, the best consul, rather than build a beautiful wall along with him? This was his concern: that Bob Mueller and the Democrats, having accused an innocent man, deleted 19,000 messages because of an illegitimate investigation into election fraud designed prove that he had come to power because of crimes.

Nobody caused Manicula more hardship and pain than Bob Mueller.

13.5  Postero die Manicula multas litteras caerulis avibus ad cives mittebat: infantes, quos ipse timore profugorum adfectus in custodiam dedisset, Democratorum vitio vim morbi sustinere non potuisse; si murum confectum esset, profugos in fines transire non quidem temptaturos fuisse; cur Democratici se optimum consulem vehementer vexare quam pulcherrimum murum secum conficere mallent? haec sibi esse curae: B. Molinarium Democraticosque innocenti accusato XIX millia litterarum ob improbam quaestionem de fraude comitiorum extinxisse ut imperium civitatis nefario facinore obtenuisse probare possent;

nemo tantum difficultatis tantumque doloris, quantum B. Molinarium Maniculae tradiderat.

 

Blue Birds

 

Bellum Incivile: Government Shutdown Over the Wall

Another text tentatively attributed to Caesar was discovered along with the fragments of the De Silvis and an appendix to De Bello Gallico. This is almost surely from the lost Bellum Incivile.

8.3 For reasons I already mentioned, Manicula resolved to keep people of color out of the homeland by means of executive orders and an expensive wall. Since he feared that people fleeing mortal danger and actual coyotes— amazing to say!– might cross the border and that heavy bags full of drugs might be thrown into the territory, he devised a new kind of wall, through which it possible to look, but not to enter, and decreed that sharpened stakes of steel be placed at regular, two-foot intervals into the ground. Disturbed by the new and rather unusual appearance of the wall, the citizens laughed and made fun of it, saying this plan for border security was childish and stupid and that the wall looked just like a medieval fortification. 

8.3 Manicula, his de causis quas commemoravi, coloratas gentes a patria decretis ac muro magni pretii prohibere constituit. Qui veritus ne gentes periculum effugientes et veri lupi, mirabile dictu, transirent saccique tumentes multis potionibus in fines conicerentur, formam muri novam, quo perspici posset, sed non intrari, excogitavit decrevitque ut trabes ferri praeacutae paribus intervallis, distantes inter se binos pedes, in solo collocarentur. Nova atque inusitatiore specie commoti cives inridebant atque increpitabant vocibus, consilium finium tuendorum puerile et stultum murumque simillimum forma munitionibus perveteribus esse.

8.4 Moved by great anger because of these words, Manicula replied that the wall should be referred to as a Beautiful Steel Slat Barrier; that the government must be shut down until the senators provide funding for his wall; and that in the meantime, according to his usual custom, he would put everyone who crossed the border into freezers and cages.

8.4 Magna adfectus ira his verbis Manicula ad ea respondit: murum Claustrum Trabium Ferrearum Pulchrum appellandum; rem publicam non administrandam, nisi senatores pecuniam publicam ex aerario ad murum struendum darent. Se interim consuetudine sua omnes, qui in fines transirent, in arcas gelatas ac caveas mitturum.

wolfbyz