“Gods spare me! I didn’t believe it mattered at all
Whether I smelled Aemilius’ mouth or ass.
The former’s no cleaner and the latter’s no filthier-
No, I think his ass is cleaner and better
Since it’s lacking teeth. His teeth are six feet long,
with gums just like a rotted cart frame,
Both set upon a jaw hanging open like
The maw of a pissing mule in summer.
He screws many woman and fancies himself charming,
And he is not remanded to a grinding mill and donkey?
How can we think that any woman who touches him
Wouldn’t lick the sick ass of an executioner?”
Non (ita me di ament) quicquam referre putavi,
utrumne os an culum olfacerem Aemilio.
nilo mundius hoc, nihiloque immundius illud,
verum etiam culus mundior et melior:
nam sine dentibus est. hic dentis sesquipedalis,
gingivas vero ploxeni habet veteris,
praeterea rictum qualem diffissus in aestu
meientis mulae cunnus habere solet.
hic futuit multas et se facit esse venustum,
et non pistrino traditur atque asino?
quem siqua attingit, non illam posse putemus
aegroti culum lingere carnificis?
[continue for a NSFW version of the poem]
My puritan upbringing makes a more honest translation of this poem difficult. But here I have changed a few words to reflect better the vulgarity in the Latin. These were hard for me to type—it would be impossible for me to say!
“Gods spare me! I didn’t believe it mattered at all
Whether I smelled Aemilius’ mouth or ass.
The former’s no cleaner and the latter’s no filthier–
No, I think his ass is cleaner and better
Since it has no teeth. His teeth are six-feet long,
And gums just like a rotted cart frame,
Both set upon a jaw hanging open like
The cunt of a mule pissing in summer.
He fucks many woman and fancies himself charming,
And he is not remanded to a grinding mill and donkey?
How can we think that any woman who touches him
Wouldn’t lick the ass of a sick executioner?”
Catullus’ anger makes my day whenever I read him. Thanks for the translations. The honest graphic version is definitely the better one, but I would not be able to read it outloud either!
Let me tell you, it’s hard to choose which is worse:
(Smellwise) Aemilius’ arse or Aemilius’ mouth.
Thinking about it, I prefer the arse –
Because it’s safer, it has no teeth.
Unlike his mouth. Oh, his mouth…
Teeth as long as a very long word, stick out of gums
like the frame of a rotten cart.
And all of it sagging open, like the gaping cunt
Of a mule, pissing in summer. And yet,
You should see how many women he gets to shag!
He’s a real charmer, despite being fit for the knacker’s yard.
Honestly, some women would suck the arse of a hangman
With diarrhoea.