Have You Seen My Special Chair?

A former dean of mine once sent an email to the faculty announcing a large grant to the college by a local business, providing for endowed chairs in the liberal arts. He had the temerity to announce in the very same email that he was giving himself one of these chairs. And he had a chair made with an inscription. The following is a slightly more humble epigraph.

 Constantinus of Sicily, Greek Anthology 15.13

“If you are wise, sit on me. But if you’ve tasted the muse
Only with the tip of your finger…..
Move far away and find a different seat.
I am a chair who bears the burden of men who seek wisdom.”

Εἰ μέν τις σοφὸς ἐσσί, ἐφέζεο· εἰ δέ γε Μούσης
δακτύλῳ ἀκροτάτῳ ἀπεγεύσαο, . . . .
πόρρω στῆθ᾿ ἀπ᾿ ἐμεῖο, καὶ ἄλλοθι δίζεο ἕδρην·
κλισμὸς ἐγὼ φορέων σοφίης ἐπιΐστορας ἄνδρας.

Image result for Ancient Greek chair scholar

Angry, Sarcastic Grammarians Try to Write Funny Poems

Loukianos, Greek Anthology 11.400

“Praise, Grammar, Giver of life, Praise, you
Who found as a cure for hunger “Goddess, sing the rage.”
It would be right to build a beautiful temple for you too,
And with it an altar with sacrifices always smoking.
For the roads are full of you, the sea is full of you,
And the harbors are full of you—Grammar, mistress of all.”

῞Ιλαθι, Γραμματικὴ φυσίζοε, ἵλαθι, λιμοῦ
φάρμακον εὑρομένη „Μῆνιν ἄειδε, θεά.”
νηὸν ἐχρῆν καὶ σοὶ περικαλλέα δωμήσασθαι
καὶ βωμὸν θυέων μή ποτε δευόμενον.
καὶ γὰρ σοῦ μεσταὶ μὲν ὁδοί, μεστὴ δὲ θάλασσα
καὶ λιμένες, πάντων δέκτρια Γραμματική.

Apollonarios, 11.399

A grammarian who was riding on a donkey fell down
And, as the story goes, forgot everything of grammar.
Then he lived a normal life after like a commoner [idiotês]
Remembering not a thing of what he previously taught.
But Glukôn suffered the opposite: he was ignorant
Even of the common tongue, and nothing of grammar,
But now that he is riding and falling from Libyan donkeys,
He has suddenly become quite the grammarian.”

Γραμματικός ποτ’ ὄνῳ ἐποχούμενος ἐξεκυλίσθη
καὶ τῆς γραμματικῆς, ὡς λόγος, ἐξέπεσεν·
εἶθ’ ἑξῆς ἐβίου κοινὸν βίον ὡς ἰδιώτης,
ὧν ἐδίδασκεν ἀεί, μηδὲν ἐπιστάμενος.
ἀλλὰ Γλύκων ἔπαθεν τοὐναντίον· ὢν γὰρ ἄπειρος
καὶ κοινῆς γλώττης, οὐχ ὅτι γραμματικῆς,
νῦν Λιβυκοὺς κάνθωνας ὀχούμενος, εἶτ’ ἀποπίπτων
πολλάκις ἐξαίφνης γραμματικὸς γέγονεν.

 

medieval-grammarian

Simonides’ Saving Dream: His Gift is His Poem, This One’s For You

Valerius Maximus, Memorable Deeds and Sayings 1.7.ext. 3
“The gods were much kinder to the poet Simonides, whose safety they guarded with firm advice through a warning dream. For, when he had brought his ship to rest on shore and had entrusted a body that was unburied to a sepulcher, he was warned by the same soul not to sail on the following day and he remained on land.

Those who embarked the next day were overcome by waves and gales in his sight. He was happy that he had trusted his own life to a dream instead of a ship. He preserved the memory of this help to eternity with the most elegant poem, crafting a better and longer-lasting tomb in the minds of men than he had built on barren and unknown sands.”

Longe indulgentius di in poeta Simonide, cuius salutarem inter quietem admonitionem consilii firmitate roborarunt: is enim, cum ad litus navem appulisset inhumatumque corpus iacens sepulturae mandasset, admonitus ab eo ne proximo die navigaret, in terra remansit. qui inde solverant, fluctibus et procellis in conspectu eius obruti sunt: ipse laetatus est quod vitam suam somnio quam navi credere maluisset. memor autem beneficii elegantissimo carmine aeternitati consecravit, melius illi et diuturnius in animis hominum sepulcrum constituens quam in desertis et ignotis harenis struxerat.

Some report that Greek Anthology 7.77 is the poem Simonides wrote in thanks:

“This is the savior of Keian Simonides,
A man who although dead paid thanks to the living.”

Οὗτος ὁ τοῦ Κείοιο Σιμωνίδεω ἐστὶ σαωτήρ,
ὃς καὶ τεθνηὼς ζῶντ᾿ ἀπέδωκε χάριν.

Of course, this reminded me of Sir Elton John.

Epitaphs Converse about Drinking

Two Epitaphs for Alcman by Julian, the Prefect of Egypt

Greek Anthology, 7.32

“Often I said this and now I cry it from the grave:
Drink, before you wrap this dust around you!”

Πολλάκι μὲν τόδ’ ἄεισα καὶ ἐκ τύμβου δὲ βοήσω·
„Πίνετε, πρὶν ταύτην ἀμφιβάλησθε κόνιν.”

Greek Anthology, 7.33

“ ‘You died from drinking too much, Anacreon!’ ‘Yes, I took pleasure in it!
And you who didn’t drink will arrive in Hades too!’ ”

Πολλὰ πιὼν τέθνηκας, ᾿Ανάκρεον. —„᾿Αλλὰ τρυφήσας·
καὶ σὺ δὲ μὴ πίνων ἵξεαι εἰς ᾿Αίδην.”

anacreon640

One might gather from this blog that its authors are really in to drinking. While we do enjoy the occasional beverage, this is not actually true. Really. We are, however, quite entertained by the range and nature of ancient comments on drinking...

An Exhortation to Drink Instead of Sleeping

Apollonides, Greek Anthology 15.25

“You are sleeping, friend, but the cup itself calls:
“Wake and do not indulge in mortal fear!”
Don’t abstain, Diodoros! Slip deep into wine,
Drink it unmixed until your knees are weak.
There will be a day when we do not drink, many of them.
Come on: wisdom is touching our temples now.”

῾Υπνώεις, ὠταῖρε· τὸ δὲ σκύφος αὐτὸ βοᾷ σε·
„῎Εγρεο, μὴ τέρπου μοιριδίῃ μελέτῃ.”
μὴ φείσῃ, Διόδωρε· λάβρος δ’ εἰς Βάκχον ὀλισθὼν
ἄχρις ἐπὶ σφαλεροῦ ζωροπότει γόνατος.
ἔσσεθ’, ὅτ’ οὐ πιόμεσθα, πολὺς πολύς· ἀλλ’ ἄγ’ ἐπείγου·
ἡ συνετὴ κροτάφων ἅπτεται ἡμετέρων.

 

grapes

A Little Poem by Leo the Philosopher

This poem is a little strange and might not really project Epicurean beliefs…but I like it any way.

LEO THE PHILOSOPHER, GR. ANTH, 15.12

“Fortune, you kindly grant me Epicurus’
sweetest leisure and his delightful peace.
Why do I need the many-pained business of men?
I don’t want wealth, a blind, unstable friend,
Nor honors—human honors are a feeble dream.
Go to hell, Kirkê’s dusky cave: for I am ashamed
To eat the acorns of beasts when I am born from gods.
I hate the sweet, amnesiac fruit of the Lotus-eaters,
And I reject the seduction of the Sirens as an enemy’s song.
But I hope to obtain from the gods the soul-saving bloom,
Moly, an antidote against evil beliefs. And my ears,
I will block firmly with wax to escape innate compulsion.
May I reach the end of my life, saying and writing these things.”

Εὖγε, Τύχη, με ποεῖς ἀπραγμοσύνῃ μ’ ᾿Επικούρου
ἡδίστῃ κομέουσα καὶ ἡσυχίῃ τέρπουσα.
τίπτε δέ μοι χρέος ἀσχολίης πολυκηδέος ἀνδρῶν;
οὐκ ἐθέλω πλοῦτον, τυφλὸν φίλον, ἀλλοπρόσαλλον,
οὐ τιμάς· τιμαὶ δὲ βροτῶν ἀμενηνὸς ὄνειρος·
ἔρρε μοι, ὦ Κίρκης δνοφερὸν σπέος· αἰδέομαι γὰρ
οὐράνιος γεγαὼς βαλάνους ἅτε θηρίον ἔσθειν·
μισῶ Λωτοφάγων γλυκερὴν λιπόπατριν ἐδωδήν,
Σειρήνων τε μέλος καταγωγὸν ἀναίνομαι ἐχθρῶν·
ἀλλὰ λαβεῖν θεόθεν ψυχοσσόον εὔχομαι ἄνθος,
μῶλυ, κακῶν δοξῶν ἀλκτήριον· ὦτα δὲ κηρῷ
ἀσφαλέως κλείσας προφυγεῖν γενετήσιον ὁρμήν.
ταῦτα λέγων τε γράφων τε πέρας βιότοιο κιχείην.

Leo the Philosopher is from the 8th century CE! He is also called Leo the Mathematician.

leon

Tawdry Tuesday (NSFW): A Terrible, Awful Poem

Nikarkhos, Greek Anthology 11.7

No one, Kharidêmos, can keep screwing his wife
And enjoy it deep in his soul.
Our nature is so fond of novelty, of foreign flesh,
That it is always seeking exotic pussy on the side.

Οὐδεὶς τὴν ἰδίην συνεχῶς, Χαρίδημε, γυναῖκα
βινεῖν ἐκ ψυχῆς τερπόμενος δύναται·
οὕτως ἡ φύσις ἐστὶ φιλόκνισος, ἀλλοτριόχρως,
καὶ ζητεῖ διόλου τὴν ξενοκυσθαπάτην.

κινεῖν: is printed in many manuscripts, but βινεῖν (“to screw”) is clearly preferable here.

greekvase

To Hell With Grammarians!

The following poems are taken from the Greek Anthology.  Both provide interesting possible origins for the phrase “bookworm”. A google search for the origin of the term is rather disappointing and points to book-eating species. But what if the species were named for scholars?

Philippos, 11.321

“Grammarians, children of hateful Blame, thorn-worms
Book-monsters, whelps of Zenodotus,
Soldiers of Kallimakhos, a man you project like a shield
But do not spare from your tongue,
Hunters of grievous conjunctions who take pleasure
In min or sphin* and in asking if the Cyclops kept dogs,
May you wear out your lives, wretches, muttering over the abuse
Of others. Come sink your arrow in me!”

Γραμματικοὶ Μώμου στυγίου τέκνα, σῆτες ἀκανθῶν,
τελχῖνες βίβλων, Ζηνοδότου σκύλακες,
Καλλιμάχου στρατιῶται, ὃν ὡς ὅπλον ἐκτανύσαντες,
οὐδ’ αὐτοῦ κείνου γλῶσσαν ἀποστρέφετε,
συνδέσμων λυγρῶν θηρήτορες, οἷς τὸ „μὶν” ἢ „σφὶν”
εὔαδε καὶ ζητεῖν, εἰ κύνας εἶχε Κύκλωψ,
τρίβοισθ’ εἰς αἰῶνα κατατρύζοντες ἀλιτροὶ
ἄλλων· ἐς δ’ ἡμᾶς ἰὸν ἀποσβέσατε.

Antiphanes, 11.322

“Useless race of grammarians, digging at the roots of
Someone else’s poetry, luckless worms who walk on thorns,
Perverters of great art, boasting over your Erinna*,
Bitter, parched watchdogs of Kallimakhos,
Rebukes to poets, death’s shade to children learning,
Go to hell, you fleas that secretly bite eloquent men.”

Γραμματικῶν περίεργα γένη, ῥιζωρύχα μούσης
ἀλλοτρίης, ἀτυχεῖς σῆτες ἀκανθοβάται,
τῶν μεγάλων κηλῖδες, ἐπ’ ᾿Ηρίννῃ δὲ κομῶντες,
πικροὶ καὶ ξηροὶ Καλλιμάχου πρόκυνες,
ποιητῶν λῶβαι, παισὶ σκότος ἀρχομένοισιν,
ἔρροιτ’, εὐφώνων λαθροδάκναι κόριες.

*An Alexandrian poet.

 

Philippus, 11.347

“Goodbye, men whose eyes have wandered over the universe,
And you thorn-counting worms of Aristarchus.
What’s it to me to examine which paths the Sun takes
Or whose son Proteus was or who was Pygmalion?
I would know as many works whose texts are clean. But let
The dark inquiry rot away the Mega-Kallimakheis!”

Χαίροιθ’, οἱ περὶ κόσμον ἀεὶ πεπλανηκότες ὄμμα
οἵ τ’ ἀπ’ ᾿Αριστάρχου σῆτες ἀκανθολόγοι.
ποῖ γὰρ ἐμοὶ ζητεῖν, τίνας ἔδραμεν ῞Ηλιος οἴμους
καὶ τίνος ἦν Πρωτεὺς καὶ τίς ὁ Πυγμαλίων;
γινώσκοιμ’, ὅσα λευκὸν ἔχει στίχον· ἡ δὲ μέλαινα
ἱστορίη τήκοι τοὺς Περικαλλιμάχους.

scholar

Con-men for Useless Wisdom: Some Poems

A few poems from the Greek Anthology

9.13 Plato the Younger

A blind man lifted on his back a cripple
One man got feet; another got eyes.

Ἄνέρα τις λιπόγυιον ὑπὲρ νώτοιο λιπαυγὴς
ἦρε, πόδας χρήσας, ὄμματα χρησάμενος

 

9.80 Leonidas of Alexandria

“Seers who trace the stars’ path
Go to hell! Con-men for useless wisdom.
Ignorance nurtured you, boldness birthed you
Wretches who can’t see their own infamy

Μάντιες ἀστερόεσσαν ὅσοι ζητεῖτε κέλευθον,
ἔρροιτ᾿, εἰκαίης ψευδολόγοι σοφίης.
ὑμέας ἀφροσύνη μαιώσατο, τόλμα δ᾿ ἔτικτεν,
τλήμονας, οὐδ᾿ ἰδίην εἰδότας ἀκλεΐην.

 

9.101 Alpheius of Mitylene

Few heroes’ countries lay still before our eyes
And those that do rise not much higher than the fields.
That’s how I came to know you, wretched Mycene
As I passed by, more alone than any goatfold,
A reminder to the shepherds. Some old man said to me
“This is the wealthy city the Kyklopes built.”

Ἡρώων ὀλίγαι μὲν ἐν ὄμμασιν, αἱ ἔτι λοιπαὶ
πατρίδες οὐ πολλῷ γ᾿ αἰπύτεραι πεδίων·
οἵην καὶ σέ, τάλαινα, παρερχόμενός γε Μυκήνην
ἔγνων, αἰπολίου παντὸς ἐρημοτέρην,
αἰπολικὸν μήνυμα· γέρων δέ τις, “Ἡ πολύχρυσος,”
εἶπεν, “Κυκλώπων τῇδ᾿ ἐπέκειτο πόλις.”

alexander_drinking

Grammar = Misery

Palladas of Alexandria, Greek Anthology 9.173

“The foundation of grammatical knowledge is a five-line curse. The first has ‘wrath,’ the second ‘destructive.’ And after ‘destructive’ comes the ‘many woes’ of the Greeks. The third line leads ‘the souls to Hades.’ In the fourth we find ‘spoils’ and ‘dogs,’ while the fifth gives us ‘carrion birds’ and the ‘anger of Zeus.’ With all of this, how can a grammarian be anything but miserable after five curses, and five cases*?”

᾿Αρχὴ γραμματικῆς πεντάστιχός ἐστι κατάρα·

πρῶτος „μῆνιν” ἔχει, δεύτερος „οὐλομένην”,

καὶ μετὰ δ’ „οὐλομένην” Δαναῶν πάλιν „ἄλγεα” πολλά·

ὁ τρίτατος „ψυχὰς εἰς ᾿Αίδην” κατάγει·

τοῦ δὲ τεταρταίου τὰ „ἑλώρια” καὶ „κύνες” ἀργοί,

πέμπτου δ’ „οἰωνοὶ” καὶ „χόλος” ἐστὶ „Διός”.

πῶς οὖν γραμματικὸς δύναται μετὰ πέντε κατάρας

καὶ πέντε πτώσεις μὴ μέγα πένθος ἔχειν;

*That is, the five cases of Greek nouns/adjectives.