“Trimalchio himself sat on a cushion, and when the Homeric reciters were speaking Greek, as they often insolently do, he was reciting the Latin from a book. Soon, everyone was silent, and Trimalchio asked, ‘Do you know what story they’re performing? Diomedes and Ganymede were brothers; their sister was Helen. Agamemnon abducted her and sacrificed a deer to Diana. So Homer now tells the tale of how the Trojans and the Parentini are fighting against each other. Naturally, he won and gave his daughter Iphigenia in marriage to Achilles. That’s why Ajax went mad…'”
Ipse Trimalchio in pulvino consedit, et cum Homeristae Graecis versibus colloquerentur, ut insolenter solent, ille canora voce Latine legebat librum. Mox silentio facto: “Scitis, inquit, quam fabulam agant? Diomedes et Ganymedes duo fratres fuerunt. Horum soror erat Helena. Agamemnon illam rapuit et Dianae cervam subiecit. Ita nunc Homeros dicit, quemadmodum inter se pugnent Troiani et Parentini. Vicit scilicet, et Iphigeniam, filiam suam, Achilli dedit uxorem. Ob eam rem Aiax insanit…
This is genius. I take back all the mean things I said about Petronius.
Now, I know he is probably satirizing pretense and affected learning, but maybe Trimalchio has access to some rare, Lykophrontic scholia…